Today would have been our 14th Wedding Anniversary. The last two years I was so broken on this day. I felt tremendous sorrow over what was, and what should have been. I would feel the heaviness in my heart leading up to the date on the calendar before I realized why I was feeling it.
Although there is still some sadness that catches my breath at unexpected times, this year’s anniversary date doesn’t feel as devastating. There still feels a Mark-sized hole in my heart, and I imagine that will always be there. But this year, I feel stronger. This year the gratitude for the years we did have feels heavier than the sadness of what we didn’t get. I feel more thankful and less robbed.
I’m making progress I think. Sometimes I worry about writing about this progress, because I know many of you are early on in your grief. I don’t want you to feel alone in that. But I’ve always been honest with you, so I will continue to be. If nothing else, I hope my small milestones in healing bring you hope.
***RECORD SCRATCH***
The doorbell just rang. It was a floral delivery guy. He had a dozen red roses for me. This is the third year I’ve received a dozen red roses on our wedding anniversary. It always has the same note attached. “You will always be loved!”
Well, so much for progress! I’m bawling. Tears of sadness, mixed with joy, gratitude and also pain. I don’t know who sends these. Sometimes I like to imagine my husband arranged for this with someone we know. It would’ve been so very much like him. It’s more likely it’s just someone very loving and generous who knows how much we loved each other and how special our anniversary was to us. Either way, it’s overwhelming to be loved so much. So many tears now!
I had one of the really good men in this world as my husband. I was so blessed! He loved me so much and always let me know it in big ways and small. Was he perfect? Of course not, but he was good. He took care of me, provided for me, found ways every day to be thoughtful and kind. He enjoyed spoiling me. I miss that. I miss his love. I miss having someone care for me.
I do wish I knew if this was something he arranged with someone we knew, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It makes me remember how much he loved me even if he didn’t arrange the flower delivery. It makes me thank God for the kindness of whomever sent them.
I guess today is a reminder that you can be healing AND experience sadness. You can cry AND feel thankful. And you can be broken hearted AND strong all at once.
I posted a video on my Extra Grace Required Facebook page today. It’s worth a watch. In it, an older woman reminds us, “He giveth more GRACE when the burdens grow greater.”
Isn’t that so true?! All of us trying to find our way forward after loss – we are carrying great burdens. But our God has EXTRA GRACE for us!
I planned a more organized post today, but emotions got in the way. I hope you’ll forgive my raw, real-time dumping of what’s on my heart today.
We are going to make it. And like the card on my flowers reminds me, “You will always be loved!”
Extra grace,
Jodi
This is the third Christmas without my Jack. Our 55th anniversary will be December 28.
This year would have been our 48th anniversary. I decided I did not want to spend this day here at home, so I flew to Ixtapa. I cannot say I had a lot of fun, but it wasn’t that bad. It gave me time to think and cry.
You have reminded us, that we grieve because we were loved. I am so much stronger in my third year and II am challenging myself to be brave and do some of the things that are painful because they are things we loved to do together.
This is my 3rd anniversary and winter/Christmas coming up as well. As winter approached the first year I was overcome with grief and fear. I dislike winter with the cold and the early darkness and wondered how I was going to emotionally survive the aloneness. The loss of social invitations was hurtful. Somehow I made it. This year seems easier already. It would be wonderful to have my husband and our beautiful life back but I have started to rebuild a life of meaning.
I love how you share your transparency and vulnerability to your readers! More than anything they need the truth in love and encouragement. I always tell ‘my people’ when I talk about grief, it is “meant to prepare, not to scare”. I know how much I appreciated when I was in the deepest throes of my grief 31 years ago when I was going through something that I could reach down and ‘dig up’ what was planted for me to learn from and rely on. Thank you, Jodie for the love you show to others who are hurting.
Jodi,
What a lovely, and loving thing to happen. Yes, you will always be loved. Their love didn’t die even if they did. I am just past my second year of losing Mark, This will be my 3rd Christmas without him, and even though I miss him dearly, it has gotten to be a “softer” hurt. I even put up my tree this year. Things for the most part are getting better, even though we will all have “those days.” Wishing you love and peace in your heart. As always, thanks for sharing with us.
Thank you for your post. It hit so very close to home for me. December 3 would have been my 30th anniversary. This is also my third year without my husband. I think I am getting stronger too. I even met my cousin at a happy hour and I toasted my husband. Leaving my house is hard for me so I was kind of proud of myself. I love that you get roses. Such a sweet and beautiful thing for someone to do. God bless you.
Dear Jodi,
I am so glad that someone loves you enough to send a dozen roses on your anniversary.
Glad someone loves you enough to send you roses.
So glad I found this site. I lost my husband of 37 years 11 months ago. I still have not been able to function and I fight depression every day. Can not even fathom Christmas this year. I have been to Grief Support groups and have had some one on one with a therapist but I am so terribly LOST. Like you said in something I read…I feel like I’ve lost a bunch of brain cells. And your description of “Heaviness in my Heart” is what I live with now several times a day. I will continue to read your posts and will look for any help and hope you can share with me. Thank you Jodi for reading this. Love to you