The GLORY That Will Be Revealed

Monday is the date on the calendar that marks my husband’s death. It’s the date after his dash. This year, it will be two years. Two YEARS.

Leading up to this date this year, I’ve been busy with exciting and joyful things. This is good. I felt the day coming earlier this month, but the last couple weeks I’ve almost forgotten it was looming. When I did remember, I wondered if this year would feel different. I thought maybe this year it wouldn’t stir up sadness and the replay of that day on loop in my mind. I was hopeful. I was almost confident. Perhaps I’ve been almost proud of myself for healing so much in the last year.

I was wrong. Although it’s true I’m in a MUCH better place this year than last, as “the day” approaches, I can feel it’s weight on my heart. The poundage is massive.

It started with good ole Facebook memories. “On this day” is usually filled with adorable pictures of my kids as toddlers or humorous rants about mundane things like the weather or the household projects I was working on.

But right around this time of year, the memories are different.

Two years ago on this date, March 24, it was a Thursday. It wasn’t just ANY Thursday, it was the day our basement passed inspection – we were ready to move my husband out of his bedroom and into a new, accessible space where we could be together as a family again!

Facebook reminded me of our joy that day.

March 24, 2016 was also Maundy Thursday. It was the day my younger kids would partake in their very first communion. And it would end up being Mark’s last.

I am overwhelmed when I recall the joy of that day two years ago. It was filled with so much happiness! We had so much hope and anticipation! We were overcome with gratitude for the answered prayers! Our lives were about to become so much better…or so we thought.

We had no idea that almost three days later (“and on the third day…”) he would be gone from this life, gone from us…but healed and in his heavenly home.

I have a very complicated relationship with Easter now. On one hand, it is even MORE a celebration of the resurrection. It is our promise of being together with Mark again. But on the other hand, it is also all of these painful reminders of pain, broken dreams, death and grief. I guess that IS what Maundy Thursday – Easter Sunday is ,isn’t it? Sorrow and suffering…followed by elation and joy. It’s still a lot to process.

I don’t know what Monday (that’s the day) will feel like this year. I’m guessing Facebook will prompt me to re-feel all the feels of that day. I suppose it will be good to work through those rather than run away from them. But I’m not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to marking another 365 days we lived without him here.

Romans 8:18 remains a comfort to me.

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

 It’s a hold on, you won’t believe what’s still to come kind of verse. It’s just the hope-filled promise I need when my memories remind me of broken dreams and devastation. It’s encouragement to not give up because there’s so much more ahead.

There’s another verse bringing me comfort today, as I sift through my complicated feelings.

It’s John 16:22.

…”Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

Jesus is promising his disciples (and us) that our grief will turn to joy!

Let’s believe Him.

Extra grace,

Jodi