Is It Ever Ok to Break Up With A Friend?

I’ve been helping a friend with a really difficult time recently and it has caused me to think a lot about friendship in general. What does it mean to be a good friend, what does it mean to give grace in relationships, and when, if ever, it is ok to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t make you feel loved or supported. And when Jesus told us to “love one another” and a “friend loves at all times,” does that mean we always stay?

First, I’ve been reminding myself that I often screw up. Many times I’m guilty of leading with emotion and not a clear head. That was where my husband made me better. He was a thinker. He was a wait and see-er. He analyzed and was thoughtful in his approach. I, on the other hand am a knee-jerk reaction kinda gal. I sometimes jump before I think, especially when it comes to my heart. For me, if it feels right, it’s right. He was a let’s examine the data before a decision person. He was an organizer and a planner. I tend to go for adventure and flying by the seat of my pants. Planning? Pshhhhaw. I’m sincerely working on improving these tendencies, but I have a long way to go.

Clearly, I’m not as good without him. I need extra grace…badly. Needing extra grace is WAY easier than GIVING extra grace, though, isn’t it? The difficulty is multiplied when your feelings are hurt. Well, at least that’s true for me anyway.

I ended a long time friendship recently. It never feels good to do that. Actually, it’s the first time I’ve ever done this I think. I silently disengaged from it and then when confronted about it, I ended it. I tried to be gracious in the way I did this, but ending a relationship never feels very kind or gracious I suppose. Maybe it was wrong of me to do this. I don’t know.

I’ve been told this is so uncharacteristic of me. And it is, I suppose. My heart could take much more in the past. But now, today’s me, she has to protect her heart a little more. She has to look out for her family with a lot more caution. The emotional fractures are still healing. They’re held together with stitches that could still break apart. And so, yes, my characteristics HAVE changed. If and when I can protect myself from stitch busting hurt, I will do that. Maybe that self-preservation is selfish. Maybe it’s not showing extra grace. Maybe it’s not what Jesus would have me do. Maybe I shouldn’t have quietly disengaged. Again, I don’t know.

Here’s what I DO know though. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else, including my friends to be either. I’ve learned a lot about friendships in my 47 years, but especially in the last five. I’ve felt the love of many friends and I hope to take what I’ve learned from them in order to BE a better friend as well. I won’t get it right all the time, but I’m going to try my best to learn from what they’ve taught me.

• Show up. Make time. Just BE there.
• Friends see your heart, not your mess. They sit with you and understand. They aren’t critical of your failures; they are supportive of your efforts.
• Friends aren’t critical of the way you grieve or the amount of time it’s taking you to grieve. They are just there for you without judgment. They envelop you with compassion and know how to listen.
• Friends make you feel loved.
• Friends make you feel safe.
• Friends have your back.
• Friends forgive.

I am not all of these things all of the time. Not even close. But I want to be, especially when the desire is mutual. When it’s not, maybe it isn’t a friendship.

I don’t know if these friendship observations, the changes in my friendships, or the evolution of my characteristics and personality are because grief has changed me or if it’s because my grief has changed them. Some relationships are able to develop along with life’s changes. And I guess some are not.

I know I’m not alone here because a quick Google search will yield you pages and pages of results on the topic of widows losing friends after their loss. I’d love to hear from all of you on this topic. Have you cut ties with any friends or have they cut ties with you? If so, why? How have your friendships changed? (good or bad). What have you learned about being a good friend since your loss? Is it normal for relationships to change after a loss? Is it ever ok to not be friends anymore? And can this be done without anger and hurt feelings? If so, I did not nail that one. I guess I need to know I’m not alone here. And I’m also curious to learn why this happens.

I feel badly about the friendship changing and eventually ending. I feel guilty that I’m the one who ended it, but I felt worse in the friendship. Relationships are hard. Grief is hard. People are hard. The world is hard. If I’ve done the wrong thing in the wrong way, I am really sorry about that. We are all a work in progress. Grief has changed us. We are finding our way. And sometimes, maybe we do it wrong. But we aren’t done yet.

Some important announcements:

I hope you’ll join me on Facebook LIVE this Thursday night at 7:30 p.m. for the Winter Extra Grace Box reveal! I also want to remind you that the Fall box is still available for purchase through the end of the month (while supplies last!) Since it’s my birthday month, I was going to offer a coupon code to reflect my age, but then I realized I’m getting too old for that method. That would be a HUGE discount (haha). So how about 20% off the Fall box with the code: BIRTHDAY

I’ll honor that coupon code through November 23, my actual birthday, which falls on Black Friday! So consider this your early Black Friday deal on The Extra Grace Box. Quantities are very limited for Fall, so if you’re thinking about it, don’t wait! If Fall boxes sell out before Thanksgiving, I’ll start pre-selling the Winter Box. Winter Boxes will be available and begin shipping after Thanksgiving for delivery before Christmas. I should mention, the Winter box makes an excellent Christmas gift for anyone!

Extra grace from your very imperfect friend,

Jodi