So many things have improved in the last two years. I feel stronger, braver, more hopeful and overall more okay. However, there is something I keep going back and forth on and I’m not sure if it’s just me, or if it’s common.
One week I feel extremely motivated to save every penny, plan my future in great detail to make sure my children and I are financially prepared for whatever is to come. The next minute, I am overcome with how short this life is, how very little time we have to experience the beauty that exists here. And so then I want to throw a little caution to the wind and actually DO things. I want to travel, experience things, invest in our NOW instead of worrying about the tomorrows we may never have.
I’m sure the answer is somewhere in the middle of these extremes, yet I haven’t found the middle ground yet. My pendulum still swings wide when it comes to how to live after losing my husband.
I recognize both ideas are important, but don’t quite know how to accomplish both things at the same time.
I don’t want to find myself 75 years old one day without the ability to afford care for myself. I also don’t want to potentially only live to 65 without having enjoyed the life I was given. Tomorrow is not promised, and so I want to live in the now more. Whatever choices I make, will I regret them one day?
I know for sure I don’t want my obituary to explain how I only shopped clearance or wouldn’t take vacations because I needed to save for a rainy day that may or may not come. I don’t want it to talk about work unless it was work that spread joy. In the end, how do I want to be remembered? How do I want to LIVE this life?
But I also don’t want my kids burdened with my care one day. So, what to do, what to do!
Am I following Matthew 6:25-34 or Luke 12:24-34? Or am I supposed to follow Proverbs 21:5? 1 Timothy 5:8? or Luke 14:28? Agh! I’m confused! I’m sorry if you thought I was some sort of Christianity expert. Clearly, I’m not.
I lean more towards living in the NOW and less in planning for SOMEDAY, but is that irresponsible? Will that backfire? Or will I die happy that I experienced more things?
WHO AM I AND WHAT DO I EVEN WANT?!
So, is this just me? Or is this a common puzzle among survivors? Leave me a comment and let me know if I’m in this alone or if you get me? Or is this a mid-life crisis and maybe has nothing to do with being a widow?
Extra grace,
Jodi
I understand completely and for me, I think it comes to being lonely for adult companionship. So spending and traveling are deflections to the real issue. My broken heart. I am a widowed grandmother raising my grandkids. And even though my days can be busy, the pain of my loss never leaves me.
I lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago. Since then his mom and I have been like Ruth and Naomi, a major blessing. However, as I’ve seen her struggle to make ends meet during retirement and working years after she should, I’m afraid the answer is somewhere in between. I totally understand your dilemma as one of the many things the unexpected death of my husband taught me is to cherish every moment with your loved ones, hug them, tell them you love them. I found myself thinking twice before declining an invitation wondering about our numbered days and not wanting the regret of “what if”. Yet life is a balance and we need to practice self care as well. So it does become a delicate balance between living for today and being wise for the future. I would say the best advice for all of us is to live actively thankful and walking daily with our Father God and constant companion and comforter. Thank you for sharing all you do. It is truly a blessing 💕
I struggle with the same thing! I’ve decidied
To find the balance in life. I travel once a year with my grandkids wherever we want to go, and live well within my means always. I’ve never been one to want stuff so
I feel that helps keep the spending down.
I want to make memories not leave stuff behind. I find this second year without my
Husband to be more difficult than the first year. So many emotions, so many things to juggle.
It is not just you, most people struggle with finding a balance, between spending on what makes us happy today and trying to save for that totally unknown future. My best advice is to put it in God,s hands and trust in his provision. You might also seek out a financial planner, one you trust to have your best interests and not just sell you something, if they give you a hard sell, move on. Dave Ramsey Financial Peace might be a place to start.
You are so right! One needs to find balance & be able to enjoy life while still putting away for the future. It can happen & puts your mind at ease. I love Dave Ramsey & follow him. We dug ourselves out of $165,000 of debt, my spouses depression over 15 years ago. We’ve been back on track for about 8 years now & living life comfortably.
God will put your mind at ease so put it in His hands along with Dave/financial planner. You can do this!
Not just you.
It’s as if I’m so wounded that I should reward myself. This is a daily struggle! We waited to enjoy life and saved all that we could for an early retirement and boom he’s gone. It’s been two 1/2 years and not a single day goes by that I don’t cause myself financial guilt. This must be a universal issue.
If someone could offer a solution, widowhood would have one less trauma to deal with.
My husband died just over three years ago and I’ve struggled with the same things. My situation is a bit different because my adult daughter who has disabilities lives with me — so in many ways my day-to-day life hasn’t changed a lot in routine and being sure that she is safe and her needs are met. I retired to care for my husband, after 35+ years in the same career as an advocate for parents of children with disabilities. Because my daughter is grown and I’m now so many years from knowing the laws, etc. — plus I was burned out by the time I retired — I could not go back into that field. But I was also in that one field for so long that it would be a significant learning curve to start a different occupation (not my idea of fun at almost 70!). Luckily I have been able to do okay on my income so far — but we do have to be careful. We plan one vacation/trip a year and maybe two or three short weekend visits to friends or relatives. I save what I can and trust that we will be okay. I was becoming a bit of a hermit though – so when our local Museum needed volunteers, I signed up. Now I volunteer in the Museum two afternoons a week, write for their quarterly newsletter (writing has always been my love), and serve on some committees. My daughter is also able to volunteer there some — and we now have a new “family” that makes us feel welcome and appreciated. I guess that I go along with what has been said before — find a balance between the two ways that are pulling you. I think the Dave Ramsey way of living is very beneficial to many and would be worth a look. He encourages getting out of debt and saving — and part of that is saving for things like vacations. Vacations don’t always have to be big, expensive blow-out events like Disney. They can be staying with family or friends in a place not too far from home and seeing all that area has to offer. The most important thing is hat you are making memories with your children. Maybe make an expensive all-out vacation a five year plan and do the less expensive things in between. A few years ago my daughter and I spent time in a city less than a day’s drive from home where we have friends and relatives. We went to the museum, the zoo, the aquarium, and some other attractions — and the highlight for her — we went to a major league baseball game (the tickets were given to us by a friend!) We had so much fun, we were unplugged from our everyday grind, we made wonderful memories and we spent very little. I have friends who enjoy camping and take their grandchildren on a camping trip every summer — they have a blast connecting with the grandkids and the children’s parents have a few days of “time-off” when they are not running kids to practices, day care, swimming, etc. Those camping trips don’t cost much, but beautiful, lifelong memories are made. (I’m not a camper and with only one daughter who has disabilities, will never be a grandparent, so it would not be my idea of a vacation!) My point is that you can do both with some planning. Set up a savings plan for the long term future, maybe a savings plan for a five year all out vacation (Disney, Yellowstone, whatever) and then plan some memory makers for in between (visits to the historical sites in your area or whatever you and your children. enjoy doing!) I recently saw a friend post that she had asked each of her children to make a list of five things they would like to do over the summer (her kids are about 1st to 4th grades). The lists included things like “have a sleepover with five friends”, make s’mores, go on a hike, ride bikes together, have friends over to play games, bake cookies for the neighbors, go fishing..” The thing that really caught me was that none of the things the kids put on the list were big, blowout things — they were all family memory-maker things. My friend posted her kids’ lists on the fridge and they are going to check them off as they do them (oh, and there weren’t any duplications on the list, so she has fifteen memory makers to accomplish over the summer). (You can tell I’m a writer — I can’t stop!) But I will.
Oh Jodi, you are not alone. I lost my husband just over a month ago after a horrible battle with brain cancer. He was only 61 and I’m 58. I agonize over all the things we still wanted to do together but couldn’t. He was a great saver of money (much better than me!) and that allowed us to do a lot of amazing things. But it wasn’t enough. (Forever wouldn’t have been long enough!) I find myself now feeling a sense of panic, wavering between worrying about my kids getting stuck caring for me later, and running out of time to experience as much as possible. And of course right now, I don’t want to do anything without him….but I figure that will change at some point. I’ll be working hard to find that balance, too. My gut says be careful with money in the day to day things, but don’t say no to experiences that will make great memories. As we know too well, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Thanks for doing what you do. You make a difference and I’m so grateful you’re here.
Hugs to you!
So not just you my sweet sister!
Learning to really lean into God about all of these things.
It’s 2 yrs today since my husband passed. That pendulum still swings wide for me also.
Round & Round & Round, we go together, where we stop, He Knows:)
My husband and I had started seeing a financial planner about six years before he died at 61. Our dream was to have enough when he turned 65 to begin to take vacations and start a small home business to keep us busy together in our retirement years. I think during this first year I have definitely done some “therapy” shopping. Buying several things he and I planned to purchase has just left me feeling empty and feel his absence even more. I hope in another year I will feel like going on a vacation, but right now it makes me sad to think about the possibility. My recommendation is a good, preferably Christian financial planner. Dave Ramsey’s plan may be a good idea too.
You are not alone. My children are all grown,I don’t have any debt since the life insurance money was enough to pay off everything and make repairs around the house that were left undone. My husband died unexpectedly 6 months ago at age 60 ,I am 54. My children are gown but if they were still young I would want to do things with them and make lots of fun memories. If you have money set aside in a retirement fund and you have savings for emergencies set aside too then you should be able to go and enjoy places and things. Although I am feeling like most of the clouds have lifted and I can go to local places longer without getting too emotional , I am too afraid to travel anywhere without my husband. I know that if I want to ever see anything I will have to get over that fear. I am still working on the “ who am I and what do I want” . I’ve never been one to buy pretty things for me or my house but I have done a lot of that lately. I have to reason within myself that it is not going to change the fact that he is no longer with me and make sure it is for my good and not just because I am so sad. It’s kinda like when I eat my feelings,lol. It won’t take the hurt away so unless I really need it I shouldn’t spend money on it. I enjoy reading your posts and others comments. It helps to know that there are more people that are going through what I am going through. It’s good to feel like there is a point in my life that things will get better and I will feel like a human again somewhere along the way. You are a blessing Jodi.
You are not alone .. I wonder this all the time. Plus I’m 45, have a 12 and 15 year old and am disabled. I am almost 6 years into my loss and having no income besides disability and the kids social security is hard – thank God we have a bit of life insurance money in case there’s an emergency but like you- I’m scared of being broke and a burden to my kids. I guess “life is a garden, dig it” fits our situations… live life in the now. I am going to. ❤
You are definitely not alone my friend. I lost my husband a little over a year ago and find myself with these same questions and struggles. I wish there was a quick and easy answer but all I know to do is to keep seeking God and asking Him to reveal his will and plan for me in regards to money management and vacations. I want to make memories with my kids but also don’t want to be wiped out financially for later on. UGH!!!Thanks again for your blogs. I truly have been blessed and emcoueaged by them this past year on this joirmey of widowhood.
I’m 20 months into my journey, Jim and I didn’t have children together, and though I do have 3 children of my own, they’re all grown with families of their own. So it’s just me. I’m still straddling the fence some, but I’m ready to Live more so in my NOW, which is what I know he would want … without plundering my savings away, I’m wanting to continue to grow and get to know myself better..continue to see I’m made of.
Jodi,
I’ve been a widow for 6 months. Would never even think that I know the answer. I find myself with the same struggles. I continue to pray and ask God for guidance, He will provide.
I lost David 3/15/16. 2 years and 3 months ago. I still don’t know what to do with me. Move, stag, travel, retire???
Dear Jodi,
You are not alone. As shown by the other responses and mine-we are in this together. It’s a struggle. But I will say this-if you can afford to make some memories with your kids-do it. Life can be short as we have all learned. Good luck with your decisions……wishing you well..
I am still asking myself these questions. I am 66 and was widowed 16 months ago. I was not burdened by this at your age but having lost so young we are empowered to think this way. Take the middle road, trust God (He has brought you thus far!). If you save every penny and have a huge nest egg for old age, a short stint in the nursing home will take of that quickly! Donna Lowery
Two years ago last week.
We married in our forties, so no children.
Daily thoughts of planning for the future that I still, after 2 years, do not want by myself.
Continuing to consider the dream house we wanted for our later years with a zero lot line, so NO mowing.
Traveling does not appeal because he is not with me.
Limbo is where I am.
I will just take it one day at a time and see where God leads me.
Jodi, I also feel the same – alternating between financial fear and a sort of seize the day extravagance. After 18 months out I’m still not sure if the life insurance payout will be sufficient for the kids and I or not. And I worry.
I know now that fear is the opposite of faith. My experience over the past 18 months tells me that God does care for me and he had taken care of my needs in ways I could never have predicted. But each day I have to trust him anew.
One thing that the insurance money allowed me to do was to budget for a year of small extravagances. It’s what I call my husbands “family fun allowance”. He would have wanted us to enjoy ourselves guilt free. So once a fortnight he shouts us lunch or a meal out, or a movie. Sometimes it’s fast food, other times we go a bit more fancy. And it keeps us focused on fun and family. It’s been necessary for me to that as I really get bogged down in the worries and things I have to do.
So do make as budget for family focused extravagances if you can – those memories and good times are an investment in your children.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN ANY OF THESE FEELINGS AND CONCERNS…I AM IN THE SAME BOAT IT HAS JUST BEEN 14 MONTHS SCENCE I LOST MY HUSBA ND….THOUGHT I WAS GOING INSAIN OR NUTS OR SOMETHING!!!!!
Jodi, You are not alone in your roller coaster ride. I am many years older than you are. My family is grown and off on their own. My issue is that I do not want to spend everything and leave them without an inheritance. Some days I feel it is only money and spend it. Other days I think I better save to make sure there is enough to last me with enough left over to give them. I believe somewhere in the middle is the key. I once did a class using Dave Ramsey’s method of spending and saving. I should drag out my book and start using his method again. God Bless You. I truly enjoy reading your postings.
I have been riding the same roller coaster. My husband and I were so busy living the “responsible” life, and saying “ one day we will take our dream vacation, buy our trailer”…but we never got to live those dreams. I now tell family and friends to live those dreams today, because tomorrow may never come.
Last week I went out and bought our trailer and will start living our dream. Sad that he is not here to share our dreams with me, but I know he is smiling down on me and cheering me on.
3 years out now, and I think I am coming out of my grief fog, and ready to start living again.
I get it and I’m totally where you’re at. My husband passed away April 2015 and I wonder the same things you do
With hope,
Marcia