Well, jury duty was disappointing. I reported Monday, waited half the day and was not selected. I was also not dismissed. I had to call in Tuesday night to find out if I would report today. They called back jurors 1-50 something. I was number 66. My term of service is over. Well, that was anticlimactic! It was good people watching though! There was a true cross section of society represented in that juror room.
I am disappointed I wasn’t called, even though it would’ve been a major inconvenience. I had really hoped to be selected to serve on a jury. I wanted to be a fair and just juror. I kept thinking of the huge responsibility it would be to weigh in on someone’s future. I was going to take that very seriously. But, not this time I guess.
Because I’m an observer and a writer, I took notes about what I saw in the hot, stuffy, overcrowded room of potential jurors. There were the loud talkers, the political ranters, the sleepers, the just rolled out of bed-ers, and the overly prepared who had obviously done this before. They knew you could have cell phones in the jury holding pen. They knew they’d need drinks and snacks and books. They had something to do beside take notes on what was going on in that room.
And then there was the woman who wore fleece Halloween pajama pants. I passed time by imagining her life story in my head. Was it a tactic to be dismissed? If so, pretty brilliant. Or was her life really hard? I’ll never know. I wonder if she made it on a jury?
It got me thinking how most people don’t know our stories either. What do they assume about us? What do we convey to others by the way we behave, the way we talk, the expressions we wear on our faces? It made me think about how grief is sometimes masked by a smile. And other times it flashes like a neon sign over our heads. I wonder what my grief looks like to people that don’t know me? If there were other note-taking people watchers in that juror room, what observations did they make about me?
Even people who know us and know what we’ve been through can sometimes misinterpret what “starting over” looks like. If you’ve lost someone you love, you know what I mean by starting over. Who we were before is gone with them. We have to figure out who we are now. We have to explore what’s next for the life still ahead of us. Sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, confusing and empty. And sometimes once we’ve learned how to carry grief a little bit better, it’s exciting.
Exciting, but still scary, overwhelming, confusing and missing something…it’s missing our person. And then I wrestle with the complexity that is carrying sadness in the same bucket as excitement. It feels wrong AND right at the same time. Is it any wonder some people don’t know what to make of us? How to support us? How to be the same kind of friends or family they once were? Maybe they don’t recognize the person we used to be because – we’ve changed. Some people adapt to those changes in us, and some might just be too confused by us now. I don’t blame them. I’m often confused by me now too.
I’m figuring out who I am now. I’m starting over. Every day I’m learning more about what I want out of life, what’s worth my efforts, my concerns and my attention, and what isn’t. I’m discovering new dreams and finding new courage while simultaneously nursing wounds that haven’t completely healed. We are a confusing bunch sometimes, aren’t we?
Maybe Halloween pants is starting over too. I’ll never know, but God knows. He knows what she’s going through. He knows what she needs. He knows there’s so much more to her than unfortunate pants.
He knows what every defendant in that courthouse needs. And He knows what WE need. He’s so much better than a jury of our peers!!
He’s merciful, just, loving, encouraging and giving. He’s the God of compassion and extra grace. He’s our strength in the starting over and our hope through whatever burdens we are carrying today.
Isaiah 30:18 (NIV)
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!
Psalm 116:5 (NIV)
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
Psalm 145:9 (NIV)
The Lord is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
Extra grace,
Jodi
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Your pajama pants reference reminded me of a book I just started….Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. If you have a chance check it out. I’m thinking your and the author would enjoy each other.
Once again, you’re right on target Jodi! Excitement over building a new house that will be ready in the next 8 weeks mixed with sadness of leaving the home we shared together the last 17 years. Such a mixture of emotions that I thought I was ready to handle. “Friends” just don’t get it… Big tears today came out of nowhere which surprised me. REading your posts always seems to help! Thanks for sharing and showing me that I’m not alone.
This couldn’t have come at a better time. My husband has been gone for 8 months on Monday. That same day I had 2 interviews and was hired as a Pre-Teacher yesterday. I will be telling my Kindergarten team of 4yrs and friends of 18 yes good bye. This is tuff but I know this is God. You would not believe how fast this took place. Only God could have done this.