Lack of motivation, inability to focus, isolation, loneliness, uncertainty, fear, sadness, testing of faith, poor sleep and more – if this feels familiar, you’re right! It’s grief…again.
In some ways, I feel conditioned for these things, which make it slightly easier. I’ve been practicing living life immersed in the things I just described for four years now. I’ve learned how to muddle through it. But on the other hand, all of these things are bringing grief back to the surface and it does not feel good.
Other people, the ones who haven’t experienced great loss, are now feeling disappointment over all that should have been. Their experiencing the anxiety of change, the fear of the unknowns and the sadness of feeling separated from their normal way of life. These are things we have already been through, as people who have grieved before. I hope my reaction to them is not callous or bitter. I’m trying to be understanding and compassionate instead, but I’m human and sometimes it’s hard.
I can’t believe I am living through a global pandemic without my husband by my side. I often wonder what he would have to say about it. As a scientist who last worked in pathology, I’m sure he would have more to say than I’d be interested in listening to. He was so smart though and I miss learning from him. Mostly I miss the reassurance and comfort he would’ve provided to our family in a time like this. I’m also glad he’s not here for it. Especially when he was sick, this would’ve been a nightmare for him. I’m grateful he is spared from it.
And yet, here we are, socially distancing, holed up safe at home without him. What I wouldn’t give for a hug from him, not to mention some help with this homeschooling! Our teachers are doing such a great job, but there’s a lot of follow through prodding going on here. The kids aren’t motivated. They miss their friends and their routines. They are grieving the things that were supposed to be also. Lolo was supposed to be in the Spring musical. Gman bravely decided to give track a try and only had two practices before school was cancelled. It’s hard for them too.
I’m imagining how hard this is for all of you, too. I worry about your safety. I wonder if you’ve lost your jobs or if you have someone to go out and get groceries for you. I think about the ways your grief may have been stirred as we all learn how to live with another new “normal.” I hope you’re still able to do church in a safe way. I pray you’re staying healthy and have the strength to get through being apart from your normal routines. I also pray you’re taking this seriously. I want you around. I want you safe, healthy and thriving.
This is yet another season we have in common. It’s not going to last forever. We are going to come out of this stronger. We are going to appreciate things we may have taken for granted. But like all things that make us stronger, they aren’t fun for a while. In fact, growing is painful. But as my Governor reminds us every day at 5 p.m., “We are going to get through this. We are going to get through this together.”
Most importantly, let’s not forget our God is with us through ALL OF IT.
“I am with you always.” – Matthew 28:20
He knows our fears, he understands our grief and he is our comfort when we realize the homemade bread isn’t going to cut it. (Just me?) He’s our hope – always, but for sure during times like this. Let’s lean on him. Let’s trust him when we can’t see a way out or when our anxieties and fears overwhelm us. We can count on him in times of uncertainty!!
And please, let’s give ourselves extra grace. If there ever was a time for grace, it’s now. I’m working on being better at giving it to others. I’m not doing very well at it currently. Just like those early days in grief, it’s a one-minute at a time drill. Breathe in, breathe out. Do the best you can. Keep God in the middle of your details. Seek him, take care of yourself and always remember you are NOT ALONE.
Please leave me a comment below to let me know how you’re doing during this time? I really want to hear from you. It would do my heart so good to hear from all of you. Even if you’ve never left a comment before, please do that today. Tell me how you’re staying healthy, how you’re coping with all of this, what you’re biggest challenges are, etc. I want to know how you’re doing!
If you need human interaction, I hope you’ll follow and like the Extra Grace Required Facebook page. Sometimes I just can’t bring myself to write during this time, so I go LIVE on Facebook just to chat with you. It helps me feel less alone too! I also humiliate myself for your entertainment. (See carpenter bee saga).
Thinking of all of you!!
Extra grace,
Jodi
Photo by Korhan Erdol from Pexels
Excellent and true post, Jodi! Thank you. We are doing well in Clive, IA and are so grateful for Lutheran Church of Hope and all they are doing online to keep us connected. My faith sustains me, especially through this challenging time. May God continue to bless you and your family!
I am trying to support others because what I need continues to elude me. I am trying so hard to make my auto response to my anxiety the act of reaching out to someone who needs love.
Hoping you all are safe
I think I am doing relatively well. I’m retired and have a dependable pension. I had been married for 33 years when my husband died in early 2015. I remarried nearly three years ago. Yet my late husband’s birthday is this week, and I won’t be able to get to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave. The grave of my son and daughter-in-law is close by. (He died in 1998 at the age of 25, His beautiful wife had died nine months previously.) Their grave has also been neglected. I know that it’s trivial compared to what so many others are going through, I am trying my best to remain positive and to keep things in perspective.
Your post is so real and so true. I am blessed to have three adult children nearby, and think I’m doing okay. After taking care of my husband for quite a while, I was just getting used to being out and about a bit more. But I know how to stay home and try to find pleasure in small things each day. Praying for all of you as we navigate this season of fear and discontent.
I’m doing ok in Kansas. I continue to help a couple of people each week taking in groceries and spending time visiting with them. I’m also getting a bedroom ready for my 93 year old widowed dad to move in with me. As my husband and I provided care for his dad and grandparents when we first bought this house 32 years ago, I will continue to use our home to care for my dad. My husband, Sam always told Dad that he and mom could live with us when the need arose, so I feel like I’m honoring Sam’s love for my family in making the adjustments in my life to do so. Since my dad stayed with me for a couple of weeks recently, I have figured out how to stream both our church services on my TV (with my son’s long distance help). Since it’s raining today, I will take a break from yard work to spend time with a shut in friend and take her some groceries. I also thank God for sending me friends to help with the outside work which includes 3 1/2 acres with lots of trees to trim. I am being reassured once again of God’s consistent faithfulness throughout my life, in good times and in difficult times. I will praise Him in this storm.
Hi, Jodi!
We are doing well here…working from home, connecting to our faith community online for both worship and small group (a beautifully unique and unusual way to do that!) and just hanging out with our hairless dog and 3 cats! God continues to supply reminders that He is present and our one true hope! I just listened to this podcast this morning and wanted to share…
https://apprenticeinstitute.org/2020/03/25/certainty-in-a-good-future/
Reading your posts reassured me that what I am feeling is normal, thank you. My grief has been very much in the forefront, missing the calm and reassurance he would always bring. My sons are struggling with providing for their families with hours being cut and my first grandchild is due in 4 weeks, the list goes on. They miss their dad, he knew how to ease their minds and give encouraging words. I give it to them, but it’s not the same coming from me and I get that. My work has been steady and I’m working from home, so the week’s are good, but the weekends are hard with all of this aloneness, time to think, not a good mix. My church has been wonderful and I really look forward to online service each Sunday and watched like 4 different Easter services from Franklin Graham, Saddleback Church, Passion City Church and of course, my home church. The enemy has been working overtime too, not that I am surprised by that. Thank you for your posts, they give me more hope and reassurance and I am so thankful for YOU. God is using you to bless us so much Jodi. Know that you give us comfort in these times and I hope we give you comfort too. We’re in this together. God bless you!!!
Thank you for these messages of Hope & encouragement. Your thoughts and feelings reflect so many of mine. I am retired & don’t have the added stress of young children. My husband died about 18 months ago. Then, his younger sister age 60 and one of my best friends passed away on January 4 of this year. Lots of loss. This pandemic has brought all of this grieving back in my face. The pain, the loss, the why me? Your words and thoughts bring comfort, hope and reassurance that we will make it through all of this. Take strength in knowing you are touching so many hearts. hugs & love from Michigan.
You just hit the nail on the head. It’s grief. That’s what I’ve been feeling. And on top of everything else, we moved to a new state two weeks ago. The kids and I have been feeling the social distancing a little bit extra, I think. By the way, if you ever get the opportunity to move three kids, three cats, one dog and one guinea pig 2600 miles during a global pandemic…don’t. Just don’t.
Hi Jodi, you are so good at articulating how I am feeling. Being alone and isolated in this pandemic is rough. I thank God for my four legged Penny. She is a great comfort to me and I am to her also. Our church has online services and Zoom Bible classes. I hang on every word. My 6 year old granddaughter doesn’t really understand why i cant hug her or hold her like I used to. She slipped her hand in mine yesterday and we hugged quickly. I miss their hugs. I try to count my blessings daily and I pray so hard for God’s support thru this crisis. I pray for all of us to come thru safely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are a real inspiration to me. Hugs, Maggi
Jodi,
Thanks for your encouraging words at this most difficult time! I think of you often and wish Mark could be around for you and your kids! I know you have good family and friend support. I am so thankful for that.
Lynn and I are fine, The only person we see at the farm is the Schwan man every two weeks. We leave a cooler up by the yard light and talk to him from 20 feet or so. I always leave something encouraging and thankful in the cooler for him, a poster a thankyou note etc. He is super for still coming around and we really do appreciate him, we always have.
We do go to the grocery store and Cenex for fuel. Otherwise we are busy feeding cattle every day and now calving. We have about 40 new baby calves so far. Many more in the future. We are glad for the good weather currently.
I help Lynn feed, I read ( no books currently and I miss the Bookmobile and library), I sew, quilt. I finished a quilt recently and I am working on a flannel shirt for Tanya, I miss her as a model so I can make the necessary adjustments. This week Lynn and I added a much needed shelf in my pantry. It helped clear up clutter on my counter. Yeh!
I made a flannel mask today, finally bit the bullet, didn’t want to. I used a grain mask last time I went to the grocery store, didn’t like that at all.
Thanks so much for reaching out, I know it is difficult. The kids and grandkids and their spouses are fine. Tanya, Tucker are working from home, Jesse still goes to NDSU for wheat research and will start planting possibly this week.
We are fortunate to be living in a small town, less people at the places of business etc.
We keep busy with all the daily farm chores and household chores. I write letters and try to surprise people with baked goods or small gifts. I did make a quilt block cross stitch bookmark for our Pastor’s wife her birthday was 4-17.
Take care, keep safe and healthy, tell the kids hello, hang in there we will do this together!
Love and hugs from Hebron, Karen and Lynn
I have had a lot of health issues — both diagnosed and undiagnosed — for the past 18 years. I eventually left my job in 2010, and after that my social circle became smaller as I often did not feel well, and honestly I did not want to talk about some of the strange things I was dealing with. Instead of it being loneliness, it became solitude. I lost my sweetheart unexpectedly 3 years ago, and he had his own business and was the only employee. He would have not done well with being stuck in his home during this pandemic, and the stress that it would have caused him financially would have been terrible. I’m glad he is not here for this.
I am almost at 3 year mark of being a widow. I had come so far before this pandemic. I had reduced counseling to every 6 to 8 weeks and was ready to start serving again in ministry. I struggle so much more with sadness and fear again. I’m trying to remind myself God is in control and walk in trust but its not easy. Thank you beyond words for your blogs. They truly have saved me so often.
I send cards to people. Clean out drawers. Bake and cook. Read and take naps.
Oh my goodness Jodi! You nailed it! This week I am doing just fine. But it has been another journey to get here. At first I just couldn’t get my head around this… after a week I tried to dig into the “honey do” list that is now my list. Larry sick for 10 years, serious grieving for two and a half years.. and returning home from a church mission to Hawaii because of a bike wreck and needing surgery. And then I could go back after 4 months of PT because of this virus. I have so much to do that was neglected all those years of being a caregiver… so It isn’t for a lack of something to do. Almost so much to do that I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. I don’t watch TV , so I do not get constant news. I am alone… and I have been thro a struggle. I actually went to my doctor after Easter and she diagnosed me with acute anxiety, and the the next day I had a UTI. When we are in the middle of our personal storms, it is hard to see clearly. I look back now and can see that I was not well, and it was ok to just not do anything. I sometimes think we have to verbally give ourselves permission to do or not do something. And it is ok.
I am so much better this week. I have been making masks, and prairie skirts for granddaughters . And today I made a clothespin bag ! I have tackled my pantry, and also started a garden. And I have called ladies from church to just check on them.
This is so lonely, one day at a time. Thank you for reaching out to us. Being a widow is one of the hardest places to be.. I feel on the fringe of society as well, being a senior citizen too.
You are great. Thanks so much for bring perspective ❤️
Hi Jodi and everyone. I live in Reno, Nevada. I lost my sweet darling husband almost seven years ago. It is still so new. We had no children, so I live alone, but have a little kitty, Spicey, to keep me some company. That helps, as I have someone to pet, hug and kiss. I am in the high risk group for Covid 19 with all three risk factors, so I have been in self-quarantine for over a month. I love to watch TV and DVDs, and read. Normally I also would be sewing up a storm, especially face masks. However I am having trouble with my eyes. I am having double vision, and my eye surgeon say I need cataract surgery to correct that, but that is classified as non-essential. So no sewing for now. I can adjust my reading distance to read, thank goodness! That is a little frustrating. It has been cold in Reno, as we are almost a mile high on the edge of the Sierra Nevada mountains, but this week it is warming up to the mid 70s. So maybe I can get outside for a walk!
May the good Lord bless you and keep you all! Debbie Z
As a hospice nurse I am still out and about every day. And since I am already out and about I am my extended family’s grocery store service lol. I don’t mind. I’m happy to do that. In spite of working, I’ve noticed that I am even more isolated than ever. My daughter calls me several times a day to check on me, but no one else does. I knew this was coming because I have read all the widow blogs… but it’s still hard to accept when your married friends seem to forget you. Oh well, I have FaceTime with my granddaughter every day and she’s worth more than any friends!
Yes, this all parallels grief. Trying to walk everyday, eating and drinking too much. Virtual therapy weekly. The loneliness has become greater during this epidemic
yes….very similar ….but it’s a bit strange to have “company” on this grief journey. socially distanced company…but still. i find myself crying a lot lately…. and rehashing a lot of emotions from when the loss occurred. the wound is re-opened. and the spring air brings back a lot of memories from the time he died. the gardening we did a week before he died. the grass cut smell and the the leaf bags remind me of working outside together. I’m getting teary just writing this. my insides are twisting the same way again.
Your first paragraph says it all for me.
The 5th anniversary of my husbands death is this Friday. All the memories of the days leading up to it come flooding back.
I can’t believe it has been 5 years since I last saw him. It seems like 5 minutes sometimes, and other times seems like forever.
For the most part, I am doing well. But that first paragraph still describes me.
I always love hearing from you and am so sorry that you are going through this without your husband. My family and I are fine – no complaints at all. The Urbandale Library is closed of course but we are working two days a week; fulfilling holds, paying bills and planning online programs.
Be strong and keep writing!