Blessed Be Your Name

Today would’ve/should’ve been our 15^th wedding Anniversary. Google tells me the traditional wedding gift for the 15^th anniversary is crystal and the modern gift is a watch. I’m imagining we would’ve gotten each other watches, since he ran out of Willow Tree nativity pieces to give me years ago. He was so excited when I spotted that nativity set on our Honeymoon. It was too breakable to try to buy it and travel with it, so he filed that idea away and bought me a new piece for it every year. I remember how he joked when the set was complete, leaving him with absolutely no idea what to buy for an anniversary gift next. Funny  memory I love every time I look at the nativity set.

That nativity set also reminds me that today marks my fourth anniversary as a widow. I hate it. 

I don’t want to be the sad widow, miserable with grief. The truth is, I’m not…most days. But there are still certain days that cut deep. This date is one of them. I don’t hemorrhage as badly from it, but it still pierces my heart. I’m coming to realize it always will. 

I remember our wedding day so vividly! I remember the joy of our answered prayers, of having friends and family surrounding us sharing in our joy. I remember how happy we were.

How can you appreciate that joyful time without feeling the sadness that exists without it? Gratitude for the gift our marriage was helps, but it also makes me miss it more. 

In my GriefShare class, there was a session addressing how God gives and takes away.

Job 1:21 New International Version (NIV)

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[a]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

 This isn’t to illustrate that God is cruel, because obviously He is not, but it was to remind us that our person did not belong to us.  

I’m kind of angry with that lesson. If you’re keeping track, I’m mad at James and perseverance and now I’m mad at Job a little bit because even though both are right, it’s so hard, man! We used to sing that Matt Redman worship song together “Blessed Be Your Name” when we were dating and newly married. I didn’t like the song then, either.

But the GriefShare workbook, the Matt Redman song, Job – they’re right. God doesn’t take away anything we can’t live without, even though, Are you SURE, God? Because sometimes it really feels that I can’t live without him.  But it’s true anyway, whether I’m mad about it or not. I NEED God. I mean here I am, living and breathing without my husband. I miss him, but God didn’t take away someone essential to living. That feels and sounds harsh, but it’s still true. We belong to God and He offers himself to us. That’s the only ownership going on here. I didn’t own my husband, but I sure did love him.

I miss him every day and extra on days like today. But I’m living without him. And when I think about him, well, he’s currently enjoying a much better gift than I ever was to him, and a much better life. Everlasting life. No pain, no sorrow, no sin, no betrayal, no disappointment, etc.

So, yeah…God really does give and take away. But my loss was my husband’s gift.  Does that make it easier? Sometimes, kind of.

I prayed for my husband. God answered and gave us to each other. God gives.

I want to scream –NO TAKE BACKS!!! But Mark wasn’t mine to keep. He was mine to have and to hold…until death parted us.  

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have and to HOLD (and be held) again! For those of you who have lost, I know you understand this. I know you understand the desire for one more touch, one more hug. But it wouldn’t be enough. That’s why we put our treasures in heaven, because eternity WILL be enough. That’s why we put our trust in God, because HE IS ENOUGH. That’s why we keep living because He didn’t take our person to be cruel to us! He called them home because they belong to Him. And so do we, you know. I can’t answer the questions we all have. Why are we still here? What is our purpose in however many days we have left living? Why were they called home before us? I know you wonder these things too. Faith is the only answer I have. His plan is greater than we can fathom. His promises are solid, and His love literally mind-blowing. So, we trust in all of that. We believe in who He tells us He is! We learn even more through our grief how very much we NEED Him. And He will always deliver. Always.

It’s been a long time since I’ve wept-typed, but today the tears are falling on my keyboard. 

Being hopeful, grateful, sad, confused, trusting, questioning, faithful, stubborn, optimistic and frustrated all at once is exhausting. Keep going. Just keep talking to God about it all. I promise you, He wants to hear it all. Best of all He wants to draw us closer, comfort us, teach us and RESCUE us. I believe this with my whole heart, even on the days when I’m overly willful to my detriment.

I was just going to wrap this up for today when my doorbell rang. A dozen red roses. That poor delivery guy! I bawled as I forced him to listen to the story behind the roses. You see, every wedding Anniversary since Mark died, I’ve received a dozen red roses with a card that always reads the same. “Happy Anniversary. You will always be loved.” 

I don’t know who sends these. In fact this morning I wondered if I’d receive this gift this year. I wondered if the person who sends them would maybe think I didn’t need them anymore. Honestly, I didn’t think I did. But when the doorbell rang and I saw the beautiful bouquet of red roses (our wedding flowers), I was overcome with gratitude, love, sorrow AND happiness. My gut says my husband roped someone into this before he died. I don’t know that for sure, but it would’ve been like him. I have so many questions to add to the list I mentioned before in this post. Ultimately, here’s where I end up:

“My heart will CHOOSE to say… Lord blessed be Your name!”

Extra grace,

Jodi