This morning when I let the dogs out, I noticed the frost on the ground; the steam rising from the ground and off the rooftops and the scent of freshly cooked bacon. I imagined the breakfast scene that must be happening inside one of the neighbor’s homes and then just like that, I was sad.
Early on in my grief I considered starting an Instagram account where I’d post photos of random things that made me cry that day. Because isn’t it so random and ridiculous the things that trigger memories? Sometimes those memories make us smile, sometimes they make us cry, and still other times it does both. Today it did both.
In one waft of bacon, I remembered my husband cooking breakfast. Like many a husband (so I’ve heard), breakfast was his specialty. I did most of the cooking, but occasionally he enjoyed making breakfast for his family. Almost always bacon was involved.
I thought about the once little kids running around playing while I sat in a chair drinking coffee, as I enjoyed being spoiled by a husband who loved me enough to prepare me breakfast.
I miss that. I miss someone else cooking bacon for me on a lazy Sunday morning. I miss feeling safe. I miss having a partner in life. I miss being a couple, being a wife. I miss everything about him and about us.
Life, although often still beautiful and full of joy and blessings, feels emptier. I haven’t yet found how to fill the empty space. I don’t know how to feel WHOLE again. I’m doing my best with the fraction remaining. I don’t want to say it’s a God shaped hole, because it’s a Mark shaped hole. You know I love God and believe whole-heartedly in clinging to Him in grief, but I’m not going to say faith fixes it all. Because it doesn’t – or at least it hasn’t yet.
I trust God. I love God. I believe in His promises and I trust He has a plan for me. That doesn’t mean I’m not sad. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel the painful gorge-sized hole left in my life since He called my husband home. Some days it’s more painful than other days. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. Today is a painful day and it began with the smell of bacon, of all things.
I’ll let the tears fall, thankful for the memories and yet longing for those times, and then I’ll go cook the stupid bacon myself. I’ll handle the people I’ve hired to do certain things that aren’t fulfilling their promises. I’ll figure out how to do all the winter prep in our new home. I’ll be the one to discipline the kids again. And I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. There’s no other choice, after all.
Sometimes I just need a good old-fashioned hissy fit, pity party cry. Today’s that day I guess.
I’m not going to beat myself up for having a moment. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since he’s been gone, I’m allowed to feel what I feel. So are you. We are doing our best. If we keep God in it with us, we are going to make it. It might not be easy and bacon might make us cry, but we are going to make it.
Extra grace with a double side of bacon,
Jodi
*(Today’s punny title in loving memory of my dear husband, who would have totally appreciated it)
My heart was heavy today. A “friend” was cross because I didn’ t go to her house to watch the rugby world cup final but went to see it with other friends who soothe my soul. I try to explain but she doesn’t get it.
My behaviour seems capricious I suppose but I just try to balance out my life in my own best interests. I have to look after me now my beloved husband is gone.. it is so hard. The pain is mind boggling. It is always there in the background but sometimes it bursts into a roaring inferno.
Bob was my bridge over troubled water. I miss him so.
#cheerstothetitle #hugsforthememory
Jodi,
Feeling several of these same feelings.
Having to hire people to accomplish the things I don’t have the ability to, or the strength for that matter, makes me sad. My Mark was such a handy guy and could do most of what is needed here. I’ve attempted some things, and surprised my self…..lol. But I so wish he was here with me.
We will get through, with some days easier, smoother, some happier than others. As you said, we’re allowed to feel the way we feel.
With winter coming I’m trying to get everything ready. I hate asking, but realize theres nothing wrong with asking for help when we need it. Now if I could just get my brother to find time in his schedule….
Thanks for sharing Jodi, I love the title too!
(Hmmm, now I want.bacon. Lol)
There are so many triggers…we don’t know when they come? Today I went in my hubby’s closet, still have hard time when I’m in there!
But agree that I believe in Gods promises & He understands it. He stands there as my husband right now. So don’t beat yourself up, as you said. It is what it is! We must be good to ourselves to move in it.
May you all be blessed!
So Sorry ladies, praying for strength for all of us. My husband’s birthday is tomorrow and he’s been gone just about three years, So I too have been having one of those days or should I say week. Like Jodi says it comes and goes. One minute you smile at the memories and next you tear up with a different memory. Thanks Jodi for you keeping it real for us. 💕 🙏🏼🙏🏼
You are correct, It doesn’t matter how long it has been. My soul mate has been gone for 13 years as of Sept. 21st this year. People say it gets easier but I haven’t found that to be so. What I have found, is the sun rises every morning and sets every evening whether I want it to or not. The path I am on is not one I chose and the “new normal” has never felt normal. Actually is has felt everything but normal. This club that brings us together is one no one wants to be a part of and again didn’t have the choice whether or not to join. So many decisions were taken away when my husband died. I am so tired of being taken advantage of by people I hire that think just because I am a woman they can do me wrong. Most would never treat a man the way they have treated me. I don’t know how much things are supposed to cost so I get taken advantage of in that realm as well. I hate being alone and vulnerable. Both of my boys are now grown and out on their on. I don’t want to say they don’t need me anymore but the truth is, I long for Heaven and to be reunited with my husband again. I no longer want to live on this earth, living this pathetic life. Please don’t judge me for wanting to die.
I don’t judge you at all. I understand. My sweet husband has been gone going on 16 months. I told a friend a few days ago that if I died I know what people would say…. they would say, “ Ellen is finally happy again.”. But I just keep on living. Now I just want to help people. So I volunteer. That’s all I have left. I understand.
The 2nd yr after my husbands death has been worse than the 1st. I feel paralyzed, daily . I still work FT and I know my new normal is anything except normal. Thank God for my dog. It’s him and I. My social life is working and that too may be going away soon due to Co financial issues. The quiet is deafening. I talk to him a lot. He never answers. I’m a young 66 , but I feel so not like myself.
I’m sad, and life isn’t looking like anything great for the near future. It’s awful not having him to go to the movies with, etc…
ugh
Love this post – your honesty and transparency does so much for other hurting hearts!
love your posts. i often cry and smile and laugh all at the same time. i never thought i’d be able to cry at the drop of a hat….but it happens all the time now. i’m in the grocery store, walking in the park, getting gas. i let the tears fall regardless of who’s around. i just don’t care who sees me or if they think i’m crazy!!. smells trigger me, songs, random memories, holiday traditions long past, an inside joke btwn me and my late husband…. i wear my grief pretty openly. and it’s cathartic. i hope to never change this new person i’ve become. it’s more open to good, love, the wonderful things in life….and i have no time for wasting any more….i live as fully as i can.
Thank you so much for this blog. You often put words to feelings I have no words for. Thank you so much.
Jodi thank you for sharing , reading your post somehow I didn’t feel so all alone
It’s been 17 months since my husband passed. It’s been so painful and I agree with one of your readers the 2nd year has been just as hard if not harder than the 1st. Everything I touch, smell feel is a reminder of what I no longer have. We would have celebrated our 50th wedding Anniversay on the 22 of this month, I keep saying after the holidays, Birthday , his first Anniversay of his passing that I’m going to be better, None of that is happening. It’s been a void I can’t fill I pray a lot.
You have said what is in my heart, but is so hard to put in paper. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. Your blog always inspires me that “I can do this”!
You had me at bacon
Thank you beautiful words and heartfelt they help me feel I have company in this valley…i am at 10 months and as the numbness fades it is a more intense pain and more reality hits me….I believe the Lord has a plan and He is carrying me through this valley…I believe grief is my cross that he has given me to carry while he carries me….this is the most brutal time I have ever experienced. May God bless all of my sisters and brothers walking through this valley we are not alone….🤗