I just started attending a grief group. It is my first time. Early on, when I probably could have benefitted most from it, I had no desire at all to go. Naively I thought it sounded horrible to sit around with other people feeling just as miserable and heartbroken as I was. And selfishly, I didn’t feel like I had room for taking on other people’s heartache while I was doing everything I could to just survive my own. I think I was wrong. Had I gone when my grief was new, I think there would have been so much I could’ve learned, so much comfort and community to gain, and reassurance that the things I was feeling and thinking were not that unique. I think I would’ve realized I wasn’t alone with it all.
I was worried when I signed up for this group that I’d be out of place. Being three years into life after loss, I wondered if there would be anything I could gain from the class. I was concerned I would be a discouragement for those with fresh, raw sorrow. I didn’t want anyone to look at me and think it would still be horrendous three years down the road. (It’s not). I also didn’t want to appear “stuck” in my grief. I know that one sounds ridiculous, but I’ve had people in my life think this and even say it behind my back. Nor did I want anyone to think grief disappears by year three, because that isn’t true either.
Despite all these concerns, I showed up to the first class. What I discovered was that I still belong. I still grieve and there are still things to learn and places that need healing. But at the same time, I also recognized how far I’ve come in the last three years. Listening to those with brand new grief broke my heart. Their stories took me back to that place in my own grief. I was shocked to realize how far I’ve come and equally surprised how much I still hurt.
On this blog I write about my life after loss. I almost always am telling you what’s on my heart right now. Sometimes I’m sharing my struggles, and sometimes my victories. Every now and then you get the boring general happenings of my life too. I give you me, in real time. Lately I’ve been wondering if that’s the right approach for those of you who are just beginning your own life after loss. It is my biggest prayer that this space be one where you find comfort, encouragement and hope! I wake up every day praying I can help you all feel less alone on this painful path we are on.
No matter where you are in your own walk with grief, I hope you feel welcome here. I pray you find something in my words that makes you feel less alone. Even though our stories are all unique and we may be at different mile markers, we are all so much alike, too. That’s why it’s ok that I’m just now going to a grief group No matter how much time has passed, there are still things to learn and places in our hearts to heal.
There will always be new loss. There will be new people who join this rotten club. They will need our encouragement and understanding. At first, our own grief fills up all the spaces but in time, there will be more open areas we can fill with joy, strength and new dreams. That’s my prayer for myself andfor all of you. That in time the pain will lessen but the understanding and compassion will remain so that together we can help one another through.
I’m also thankful for a God who meets us exactly where we are. He’s with those of you swallowed up by brand new grief and He’s with those of us who have started to climb out of that pit. He’s with all of us, all the time, right where we are. He’s a good God when everything else isn’t good at all.
Have you attended a grief group? If so, did you go right away or later on? Did you find it beneficial? I’d love to hear your experiences. Leave me a comment below and tell me what you learned!
*If you’re looking for grief support, check out my Grief Resources/Support page. You can also join The Widow Army on Facebook. This is a closed group for widows and widowers. Closed means your friends and family can’t see what you write there. It is a safe place for finding encouragement and support. If you know someone who would benefit from this, please let them know about it.
Extra grace,
Jodi
Jodi,
Glad to hear you starting going to a grief support group. I never went to one, but did go to a therapist for awhile. I have now started a grief support group at my church GriefShare is wonderful. It’s been good for me, even though I’m the leader I’m still learning this walk of grief. But I love being there to support those who are just new to this group none of us want to be walking.
Hi, Jodi
I’m wondering if you are describing your experience with Grief Share? I smiled as I read it, because I agreed with so much of what you said. (So glad to see that you are benefiting from it, too, Jennifer ^^^^^). I found our about Grief Share sort of by accident when I was looking for an online support group on facebook to join. I happened to pick the group with the most members, and when I clicked on the page, a pop up window showed up asking if I was interested in joining a grief group, and all I had to do was put in my zip code. Normally I would ignore a pop up advertisement like that, but in that moment I thought what harm could there be if all they wanted was my zip code. I suddenly had a list in from of me of all of these locations nearby that were offering this course. I was skeptical, so I started going to the websites of the churches that were listed, and found that the information on the Grief Share page was accurate. I joined at the 6th class and honestly felt out of place because I felt that everyone in the class had bonded by then in the first 5 classes. I was looking for people with a recent loss who knew the pain I was feeling. The closest was a woman who had lost her husband 3 months prior to me losing my sweetheart. The rest of the class members had lost someone years prior. I was shaken for a little while as I did not want to be feeling this kind of pain years later. It took several classes before I felt it was going to really help. I ended up taking the course 3 times. Once you pay for it the first time, you can take it as many times as you need to for free. It is really hard to absorb everything the first time. Also, sometimes something would be said in the video and it would cause me to start thinking and then I would not be paying attention for the next few minutes. The videos are so good. It really is so therapeutic being around others who understand the things you are thinking and feeling. However, I absolutely remember feeling the same thing you mentioned — that my pain took up everything in me, and I could not hear about any more sadness. However I did not find that to be true when I joined Grief Share. I also agree that when you hear someone new in their grief, that it can take you back in your memories to the early days of your own pain. This is not a bad thing. I think it can make you more compassionate to someone who is grieving. Nothing can prepare you for the pain. I don’t think I would have gotten through my grief without the help of the Grief Share course as well as online grief groups in facebook. No matter the day or the hour, someone was always online if you were having a hard day. Thanks, Jodi, for posting about your experience with a Grief Group. You may have given the nudge to someone to join.
Dear Jodi,
I did attend grief support right away after the death of my husband It is a real benefit no matter how long it has been since you lost a loved one .
After attending two thirteen week sessions of the Grief Share program. I am now leading a group with a fiend who has also lost her husband, We have had a couple in our group that lost a daughter over 10 years ago. They never really had a healthy mourning period and it was suggested by a counselor to attend Grief Share. It proved to be a wonderful experience for them. I do not know which program you are involved in but I pray it will not only benefit you but those around you who are mourning the loss of their loved one. II Corinthians 1:4 ” He helps us in all our troubles so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God..”
I went right away. Our group looked like a completed family. Myself a grieving sister still reeling and grasping at my new reality. In our group was a grieving mother, a wife, a son, a husband. Each brought interesting perspectives to me as I was trying to support my brothers wife, our mother and other family and friends. We all grieve so differently, we lost the same person but our relationship to him was very different. My mother lost her first born, my sister in law lost half of her heart, I lost my first friend. I think a grief group can be helpful when you’re ready. Everything in its appointed time. For me, I was desperate to keep my bearing among my family, so I found it helpful to be with a group I could ugly cry with and try and sort out my brain and heart (who’s felt like a tornado),so I could be supportive when needed.
I too joined a grief support group just this last April-June…my Husband passed in 2016 and I was the farthest person out (from his passing) in the group. I listened and watched the others and also realized that I was well ahead of the others in the grief process…and at first thought that maybe I shouldn’t have come…but I did learn from the group and I found additional coping skills to try. Mainly, I discovered that of the things that I was experiencing and thinking were “normal” as far as the grief process is concerned…I had at times wondered about the normalacy of my thoughts. I also found that I was often able to give back to the others in the group…because of the fact that I was so far ahead of them in this journey. I found some of the other’s experiences with death were so much worse than what I felt like I had gone thru. So ultimately, did I learn a lot? No…but I did learn a little and will put that knowledge to good use. Met some beautiful souls there too. Overall…I am glad I went but do think that I (personally) would have benefitted more if I had gone earlier in my journey.
I took my kids to a group session that was broken down by grade. They had groups for parents or guardians, depending on circumstances, that I was in whike kids met. I enjoyed those sessions. I told kids they had to do a full year of it. Once the session was over they didn’t want to go anymore. I was bummed as I wanted to keep going.
Even after three years in with my sudden loss I still get so much from your blog. I went to a private therapist for about six months because I didn’t want to tell all to a group and I think that helped. However, I think a group would have been wonderful because of the sharing. I see that now.
I love The Widow Army! Mostly because it is people that are still healing after a year or four years, the length of time does not seem to matter in grief. Also it helps me see that other people are going through the same feelings and life changes that I am after three years.
Yes, I attended a grief support group (twice) and I’m a huge advocate of attending. I lost my late husband 14 months ago and I started my first grief support group after he’d been gone six months. Best thing I ever did for myself. I did go to a grief counselor for a while but it just didn’t work for me. Just not a good fit. I needed to be with people experiencing similar things. I personally believe that it doesn’t matter how far along you are in your journey – grief is grief and it hits us at different times in different ways. I’m glad you decided to attend and I wish nothing but the very best for you as you continue on this difficult journey.
I have attended a suicide support group since a few months after I lost my spouse of 38 years. This group has helped tremendously and I will probably continue going though sometimes I wonder if it keeps the raw wound open. I feel the need to stay connected to those with a similar experience. I have also attended a few grief support groups. It has been nearly 1 1/2. Years since my loss but I still get into bad places and hearing other stories keeps things in perspective and I learn so many things—- that I’m not unusual or “stuck” and can’t go forward. I’m pretty ok in a lot of respects. These groups are very grounding and I will continue to attend as long as it feels right.
I attended a hospice group 6 weeks after Bob’s death and a second one they offered a year later. I got much more from the later one. In April, 3+ years later, after going thru the boxes of my husband’s personal items (an experience I shared w/this group), I attended a grief talk by a nationally known grief speaker. I had attended one of his presentations several years ago after losing both parents w/in a year, but this time I got so much more out of it. And in more ways than one! The widower I sat next to during the talk has become my new “beau” and I think he just may be a keeper! Neither of us were really looking for someone, but we just clicked. I’m 75; he’s 67, but we are very good together. We’ve just returned from a short trip to CO and are flying to Seattle in a few days to visit my grdtr and his brothers.
But back to the post’s subject, I think attending a group or presentation is more valuable after some time has passed after our loss. In my case, that first year was too hard, too busy, and too exhausting to get much from a group; and I was in such a daze. Think you may benefit more now. There was one woman in my second group who had experienced her loss more than 6 years ago. How far I’d come in a year was eye-opening and made me realize I had made good progress even tho I didn’t think I had. The same goes for reading books and articles about grieving; read a lot at first but it didn’t really sink in. Now I understand and appreciate better.
As ever you have touched my heart. I haven’t been to a group but you are my support.. You have pulled me through so much pain and darkness..
with love
Jane
I started going to a GriefShare group at my church that meets each Sunday right after the last service. I went through the 13 week class twice and will still go when I am having a hard week or an anniversary is coming up – am always welcomed by everyone and it’s such a safe place to be, even if you don’t want to talk, you just want to BE with others in your same journey. I think you will find your experience a great one too. Again, I appreciate your transparency more than you know, we all need REAL people in our lives especially now that GET IT!! Love you girl!
I started going 1 month after my husband passed – forgot to add that in my reply above ^^^
Jodi, I started attending Good Grief meetings a couple years after my husband passed away. I went because a friend kept bugging me to go. I didn’t think I needed to. What I discovered was that there were still things to learn about my journey. Also, since my loss wasn’t as fresh as others, I could share my experiences with hopefully helpful tips for the more newly bereaved. That organization felt that it was most beneficial to wait about six months after your loss before attending meetings. I also took my 9 year old daughter to a group designed for children who did hands on projects to help the kids express their grief. That was earlier on in our journey and was beneficial for both of us as well, as the parents also shared while the kids were meeting separately. At the end of the several week series, we had a balloon launch which was somehow freeing. My husband has been gone 17 years now. I find I am continually drawn to others who have experienced losses and need a safe person to talk to about their loved one.
I attended a grief group through Hospice a few months after my husband was killed in an A/A in 2016 but they only met once a month for one hour so if you were sick or couldn’t attend for some reason you would go two months between meetings; they also discouraged any interaction outside the meeting. I really did not find it helpful. (However, my sister attended a Hospice group in another state that was very close-knit and very beneficial for her.) Almost two years after my husband’s death I began attending a 10 week Griefshare group at a church in a nearby city and found it very helpful==I wish I had found it sooner and if there were one closer I think I might try going again..
I began attending a grief support group 6 months after the death of my husband of 50 years. I have continued going now for two years. The group just meets once a month which I think is perfect. I look forward to the meeting which is run by a hospoice group. The leader is so inspiring and has such a compassion for those going through a loss. I have made some good friends at the meetings which is small, never more than 10. I feel so fortunate to have found this intimate group.
Hi Jodi, I am also a widow (of 31 years). My first husband died in 1988 – he and I were both 39 at the time of his death. Our boys were 17 and 15 at the time. I found your blog about a year or so ago and have recommended it to many. Because of my own loss and my heart for others who have lost their spouse, I started a Widowed group in 1996. I don’t know what the format of your group is like, but I do know that there is a wonderful benefit in being part of a group – it is a safe place to just be and ‘absorb’ or to share what is going on with you, ask questions, share your story and just knowing that you are not alone and that there are others who do ‘get it’ can be so encouraging and life-changing.