You lose things when you move, at least for a while. For weeks I couldn’t find my printer or the shower curtain. I still can’t find the battery and charger for my weed eater. I had to buy a new one, which was a very frustrating expense because I KNOW that battery and charger are here somewhere. I just can’t find it.
I also couldn’t find my anti-depressants. I remembered unpacking them. I had several samples to get me through until I could find a doctor for myself here and get a new prescription. I remember emptying the sample bottles into a single bottle, but where did I put it?! I couldn’t find it anywhere.
Days went by and I found myself thinking maybe I don’t need them anyway. I mean, I feel fine! Then days turned into weeks and it finally hit me. I wasn’t sad, but I was unmotivated in a BIG way. Everything felt overwhelming. Making my to-do list felt like a mountain to climb, let alone working on accomplishing anything on that list. I found myself wanting to just crawl back in bed each afternoon. Every day I searched for those meds. I would’ve called for an appointment to find a new doctor, but OVERWHELMING, so I didn’t. Instead I just felt like crap. Unmotivated, overwhelmed, lifeless and blah. I was also not winning at parenting. I was short-tempered, impatient and unorganized. My poor kids.
And then FINALLY one day last week I found it! I’m so happy I found it! I’m already feeling more like myself and I’m trying not to beat myself up for being so dumb as to think I was fine and didn’t need them. Needing an anti-depressant doesn’t make me weak or weird, it makes me…depressed. Is there shame in being depressed? I don’t think so. It isn’t even grief-related most of the time, although I’m sure that’s one sliver of the depression pie.
Anxiety (also me), and depression are liars. They make you FEEL what isn’t true sometimes. They overwhelm, steal and sometimes debilitate. You bet I’m going to fight that with every tool I’ve got, meds being just one of them.
Connecting with people is another tool that helps me. However, I don’t have many people here just yet. I’m trying. The church search didn’t help the depression any either, let me tell ya. Church searching is hard! Especially when you loved your old church family so very much. I’ve found myself watching videos from the past. Videos where I’m singing, or the kids are at Vacation Bible School. It brings back decades of memories. These are the people that were there beside me through every heartache and squealing with excitement through every joy. I want and NEED to find that here. I was so discouraged last week I just stayed home and streamed my old church. It was comforting, but I know I need to leave the living room and dig in somewhere. I need to CONNECT. Will I find my people here?!
I’m sure my outlook will improve now that I’m back on my meds, but it is still a hard thing. I trust God will lead us where he wants us, I really do. But as always, I prefer my timeline (IMMEDIATELY) versus His (Perfect, but Unknown to me right now).
Stay with me as we trudge forward. I know we will find our place here. I know joy will be greater than meh very soon. In fact, I have some VERY exciting news to share with you any day now. I’m not allowed to tell you what just yet, but SOON!!! I’m sorry to tease you like that, but I want you to anticipate it with me. It’s a big one. I will likely announce it on Facebook live, so if you don’t follow and like Extra Grace Required on Facebook, please do!
Thanks for “listening” today. If you struggle with depression sometimes or all the time, you aren’t alone. If you’re feeling good right now, maybe don’t go off your meds or lose your meds. Just sayin’. Let me be a lesson in dumb idea, don’t do it.
Life is crazy, isn’t it? It’s exciting, suspenseful, devastating, joyful, exhausting, inspiring, beautiful, miraculous and sometimes scary. I’m glad we get to live it though. I’m doing my best to live it well. For me that requires extra grace, and also my meds at least for now.
I’m thankful for this tribe and for a God who “gets me.”
Extra grace,
Jodi
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* Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels
Sisterhood here! My doctor’s appointment had to be changed due to a death in the family. I was very sure I could trudge through without my meds. I have nothing to be depressed about, right? To the outsider, that would be the obvious assumption. I’m okay. Really. Ummm. Nope. I ended up calling in before my appointment. I feel human again.
Won’t do that again!!
Take care of you, and keep taking those meds, sista!!
Smart girl with those meds and that inherent belief that the church and the friends and the feeling of home are a process…not a decision. #believinginyou
I love your honest transparency! Thank you!
Church is a relationship- it builds over time. Recognize that every church you visit will have pangs of grief (meaning missing your old church family) and that may make it hard to see how you fit in. Sending a hug!
As ever you have read my mind. I am trying to avoid anti depressants but on the strength of this I shall go back and see my doctor. Prozac here I come.
I am putting my house on the market and intend to return to Britain. France is too hot for me and too foreign. It was fine when Bob was alive and we lived in our bubble, sharing everything but now it is just a struggle.
Coming up to a year now…
Trying to guess what you are going to tell us all.
With love