Are Christians Supposed To Grieve?

Grieving can sure be a magnet for insensitive comments and advice, can’t it?  If you’ve ever experienced a heartbreaking loss, you know what I’m talking about.

I’m three years into my life after loss. I thought I was past most of the insensitive comments, but apparently that was optimistic. Recently I was conversing with a new business contact.

Normally when I explained my business, the nature of my blog, the mission of the Extra Grace Box and The Widow Army on Facebook, I hear grief stories and an appreciation for the invitation to talk about their loss. I sense a fellowship of understanding and that’s comforting for both of us. Not this time. What happened this time left me speechless for a minute or two, and that’s saying something.

This time, when I spoke of my purpose, the response was:

“I don’t grieve.”

Now, I may have screamed “LIAR!” in my head, but I continued to listen. I was waiting for a punch line, to be honest. 

He went on to say, “How can anyone look around this world and grieve?” 

(Ummm, you don’t REALLY want me to answer that, do you? – don’t worry, that was just my silent voice again).

“I mean, just turn on the news every morning,” he said. 

“Murders, people starving, disease, war, abuse, etc. – we have it good! How could we possibly grieve?”

Finally he shared his I didn’t grieve, grief story with me. He lost his father, a man he adored and loved dearly, after a battle with cancer. His father was elderly but he watched him suffer and die. Here’s where I expected he would actually discuss his grief with me, but he didn’t. Instead he said it was because of his belief in the Resurrection (he didn’t use these exact words, but this was the gist of his message) that he never grieved. 

I challenged him a little on this. (Out loud this time).

I said, as believers, we grieve differently. We have hope and promise in Christ’s resurrection. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to grieve! That doesn’t mean we are supposed to giggle through suffering. It doesn’t mean we don’t mourn. There are countless examples of mourning in the Bible. I mean, Jesus WEPT, man! (Maybe this is why I don’t have many friends here yet? Ha)

He then told me of conversations he had with his son when his son was in college. He said they shared many philosophical discussions. He spoke of a question his son asked him one time. His son asked him how he would feel if he died. And do you know what he told his son?

He told his son he would not grieve. 

Wow, that’s a new one!

I almost want to end this post here and just let you all leave your comments about it, but I have some things to say. Oh, MAN!, I have things to say about this!

First of all, this guy put the EXTRA in Extra Grace Required. I can only pray my face didn’t give away how appalled I was. I found his statement to not only be ignorant, but also extremely arrogant. Upon later thought, I found it profoundly sad. 

He wasn’t an unkind man, so I assume his intention was not to insult me, belittle the grief of others, or rank the level of faithfulness of other believers, although that’s what it felt like for a minute. Although I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, let’s just say I really hope this guy is not leading any care teams or grief groups. 

I haven’t been able to shake his words for several weeks. I keep thinking about what he said and trying to figure out how anyone could utter those words, let alone believe them. But then I guess there has been times when I’ve believed what those words insinuated. Every time I’ve felt as if I should be “over it” by now, every time I’ve felt ashamed for crying or doubted my purpose after loss, it’s this sort of mind set I’ve been battling. Every time well meaning fellow Christians have spoken words that left me feeling not faithful enough, I was buying into lies. 

Do you think God thinks we aren’t good enough for Him if we suffer or if we grieve? Do you think He demands us to never be weak? NO! In fact there are countless examples in His word that tell us He not only understands our emotions, but we have a very special place BECAUSE of them.

“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope”

1 Thessalonians 4:13

Yes, we have HOPE! And yes, we grieve differently as followers of Christ, but it doesn’t say we do not grieve at all! In this life, we will have trouble! In THIS life, we have suffering – lots of it! So, of course we grieve! BUT – and this is an important BUT – WE. HAVE. HOPE! We have the resurrection! We have eternity! So, yeah. We grieve differently, but indeed we grieve.

I love how Paul ends this section in verse 18. He says: “Therefore encourage one another with these words.” First he acknowledges grief, then he informs us how it’s all going to go down and how the dead shall rise and oh, what joyful and hopeful news! But he did not give us the instruction to walk around telling people we don’t grieve because we are Christians. He did not forbid us from grief. 

John 16:20  (NIV)

²⁰ Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.

“You will grieve.”

 But then the hope part! “Your grief will turn to joy.”

Grief is real. God knows our grief is real. But then here comes grace to give us the hope part. This is how we are different. We aren’t called to be some sort of emotional super hero. God knows we are human. He knows we can’t do this alone. He knows we ache inside, and He knows all of this requires HIM. 

Grief, and then grace which gives us hope.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted.

See? Here is another example of acknowledgement of mourning, followed by comfort and hope. Oh, friends, I could go on and on siting examples of how God understands our sorrows. I could post verse after verse of how God sits with us in that mourning and comforts us and gives us hope. I just want you to know that you don’t have to be some tough guy that isn’t allowed to grieve just because you believe in Christ! 

When you encounter people who don’t understand your sorrow, please don’t internalize that. Don’t even do it, because it’s nonsense. When you want to know if it’s ok to grieve? Just open up that Bible and see what God has to say about it. There you’ll find acknowledgement of your broken heart, comfort to soothe that pain and the promise of joy to come. 

I hope the “I don’t grieve” guy will be ok. That’s an awful lot of pressure he’s putting on himself. I hope he was just trying in his own way to share his gratitude for the joys and promises God gives us. It’s hard to know his intent, really. I’ll assume it was good, but I’m not going to allow his words to make me feel less than. And I don’t want you to hear well-intentioned people say unhelpful words that minimize the depth of your grief or the power of God to understand it.

I don’t want you to put that same kind of pressure on yourself. I’m sharing this story with you so you know your grief is real, not a shortcoming. Your mourning is necessary, not an embarrassment. Let your broken heart serve as a reminder to how we need God’s comfort and as a reassurance to the hope we have, but please don’t try to tuck it away as if it is immoral or disgraceful. Feeling all the things can really stink, but it’s part of it. God knows that! Grief is a normal response to a terrible, unjust thing. Hope and joy is a normal response to the comfort and promises God gives us. It isn’t one or the other. It’s both. 

Extra grace,

Jodi

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