It is not unusual for me to sit on an idea for awhile, worrying that it’s just going to make me sound strange. Typically, I go ahead with it eventually only to discover many of you can relate. This doesn’t mean I’m not weird, it just indicates I’m in good company. Either way, I end up glad I shared. Hopefully this is not an exception.
I’ve been thinking about this topic for weeks. I wondered if I’d be able to communicate what I felt and what I wanted to share about this experience in a way that you’d understand. I still don’t know how this will turn out. Here goes nothing.
A couple weekends ago, Lolo had a show choir competition in a town about 30 minutes from here. After her performance, Gman and I were waiting for her on a bench in the hallway so we could finally drive home. It was late (for me) and we sat in silence. Suddenly I heard my name. When I looked up I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. A smile spread across my face.
She approached me and wrapped her arms around me. Hugging isn’t awkward for me at all. I’m a hugger, so it’s normal as far as I’m concerned. However, her hug was different than the normal hug we usually use when greeting one another. Her hug was a full embrace. It was strong, but also gentle. Somehow the way she hugged me communicated love, comfort and protection. It lasted the normal amount of time for a friend hug, but it kept me distracted as we chatted and caught up on things. My mind was still on that unique hug and how those brief seconds made me feel.
I had not realized until that moment how much I missed being in the arms of someone that cared about me. It shocked me to recognize how her touch brought memory of the comfort, safety and love I had felt in my husband’s embrace. (I warned you it might get weird). Now obviously my friend is not my husband and her embrace was different than a touch from my husband, but the feeling of being safe in the arms of someone who loved me was consistent with memories of being in my husband’s arms.
Although I have children, the ones that live with me are 11 and 13. They are nonchalant side huggers at best right now. And they’re shorter than I am. Our hugs are me, comforting and protecting THEM, not often the other way around.
My friend and I continued to visit. I was still a little distracted as I tried to quickly process this strange feeling her hug produced inside my heart. We wrapped up our conversation and as we hugged goodbye I had the same amazing feeling of really being loved. I wanted a third hug, but I’m not THAT big of a weirdo. Also, I was afraid if I had one more second of that feeling I would’ve broken down and sobbed inside of her embrace.
I wasn’t sad that evening. I wasn’t sad when I saw her, or when we hugged. But there was something about how safe and loved her friendly embrace made me feel that might have cracked me wide open had I been allowed a third squeeze.
I guess I never realized how much I have been missing genuine, loving, compassionate and protective touch until that moment. Other friends and family have hugged me since my husband died, but most felt brief, like a ceremonial politeness. This friend brought something special the way her arms wrapped around me. I felt loved. I felt safe.
I’m thankful I ran into her. I’m extra thankful for her hugs. Stephanie, you’re the world’s best hugger and I’m pretty sure that has to do with your heart. I’m not sure she reads my blog, but if she does, I hope this doesn’t creep her out. I hope instead she knows how her kind and loving hug made me feel that night. Because she’s my friend, she already knows I’m weird, but hopefully she knows I’m not next level weird. Hopefully you know this too. I needed a good hug. That’s normal weird, not over the top weird, right?
Extra grace,
Jodi
I miss my husband’s hugs so much, I think of that often
Not weird at all. Honest.
Jody,
I want to thank you for creating this blog post. I have a cousin,and uncle and a few friends who all lost their spouses to yucky crappy cancer. Your posts have really helped me to look into what happens afterwards. It;’s created a deep empathy and understanding that I would not have had before. I am so sorry you too had to go through this with your young children. I pray for you and your family, for strenth and peace.
NOT WEIRD AT ALL! I recently had a visit from a friend I’ve known for 40 years. He is the person who introduced me to my husband.
When we greeted each other, he gave me a quick but friendly hug. Our conversation over the next couple hours touched on things currently happening in my life, which are extremely emotional, and on my husband, whom we both loved. As he left, he gave me the kind of hug you described. Not weird or anything more than a friend giving a friend real, loving support. I put my head on his shoulder and thanked him for the hug. He understood and it helped me more than any words could have in that moment.
I have two grown children and they hug me from time to time. I’m 5 ft. 3 in. tall and my son is 6 ft. 4 in. tall- awkward! My daughter is a good hugger, but not the kind of hugs that say, “I am here for you,” just, “Mom, I love you.”
So, as usual, you hit the nail on the head for me in this post and I am going to be mindful of the way I give hugs to people. I may not know how much it could mean in the moment.
Love & hugs to you, Jodi!!! I wish it could be in person.
Some hugs are just soul touching. Not creepy at all. Embrace the feeling and pass it along. 💖
I understand what you are saying! Not weird at all and I think many of us feel the same. Once in awhile I have that feeling…my husband has been gone 11 years!
Absolutely normal weird! 🙂 My husband has been gone 31 years and I miss him his hugs, his touch every day.
That is not weird or over the top at all!
You are lucky to have such a loving good friend like that !
Hugs Linn
Yes, normal weird …. I know a few really goiod huggers.
Just what I think.
Have a “thought hug” from me.
Jodi, I miss my husbands gentle touch and hugs so much. They can never be replaced but I really miss that touch of another human in my house and the little touches that we shared. You are not weird and neither am I. I think we need to take those hugs and cherish them. I have a lot of hugging friends and love them but some are better than others. I hope they know how much they mean to me.
I would not be surviving this awful lonely road without your sharing of your experiences. Thank you.
I think of you as a wise counsellorr and friend. My friends are kind and try to understand but ……I must try their patience, especially when I am in recluse mode, which I often am.
I dozed off earlier and woke with a start and felt a shock when I remembered Bob was dead. I think I must have been dreaming he was alive.
I reisent some people for being couples. I want to shout and scream about how unfair it is.. This is a new feeling. I hope it passes as it is not who I want to be. But it is easier to avoid people than face their coupledom..
This is beautiful. And not weird at all. I can totally relate. I love to hug. I wish it was more uniformaly acceptable in our society. And I so miss my husband’s hugs. We hugged all the time. We never parted without a hug. Except when he died unexpectedly.
sounds like an awesome discription of a loved hug to me.. Not weird at all.
I think you gave a great description of the hug and how it made you feel. I dont think it was weird at all. After losing our husbands we miss the ability to get hugs whenever we need one. The human touch is very important for many reasons. May we all have friends that understand our need for those ki d of hugs!!
I have a long-time male friend who I often run into in Sam’s.
I’ve known his wife and her family my entire life from church.
On one of my recent encounters with Doug at Sam’s, I was at an emotional place where I needed one of those strong, all encompassing hugs. Standing there in front of the pharmacy, I just told him I needed a big hug. He obliged!
Someone who knew him walked up and said that was a good hug!
I said it was, I asked for it, and needed it. And I’m pretty sure his wife won’t mind!
Maybe we just need to be braver. And, when we feel safe, ask for what we need.
Jodi, hugs…real ones, like your friend gave you, has been one of the most missed since my husband died. It will be 3 years next month, March 12th,2016. I was so very happy that I was able to care for him at home & we were alone, together that evening at 8:10 pm. He had Lewy Body & we went through it for 8 years.
After Tom died & the chaotic first weeks passed, I realized how much I missed hugging—-real hugs. As you said, kids, grandkids, most people don’t hug like your friend did.
I found my “substitute hugs” walking and meeting every dog & puppy on my route!! I’m a dog lover, and the wagging tails, smiles (yes, I do know dogs smile !!), unconditional acceptance & joy that I felt petting them & knowing each one, was wonderful. Just the touch & connection with my furry friends helped me through the longing for hugs.
The Hospice spiritual & bereavement people who helped us, told me that we need 2 hugs a day minimum and 4 to feel good !!! I am a hugger…the bear- hug kind, and now if I feel it’s appropriate, I hug the way I want to be hugged.
I want to add that 8 months ago I met a man…totally out of the blue… I had no intention to ever be involved with anyone again, but here I am and so very happy and hugging again. You never know
I’m so happy for you Barbara . I also have lost my husband a little over a yr ago unexpected…I once told someone I was broken and they no longer made my parts …but my friend replied like a Japanese tea set you just need the gold to hold all of the parts together again…Thought that was beautiful for her to say …So I’m very happy for you that you have found that connection again…
Oh! I SOO know what you mean and how you feel! I am so grateful for my few friends who are just this kind of hugger. One visited last night. It is just a blessing, and I’m grateful. And you are not weird at all. Thanks for sharing!
I loved your blog about Hugs!! It’s absolutely right on, that some hugs say so much more than the standard, usual Hi how are you. I so miss my husband’s wonderful and powerful warm & wonderful embracing hugs. I get semi-hugs from my beautiful Irish Setter Brody, but not the same!! Some people are just more able to communicate so much more with their big, wonderful, beautiful HUGS!!! I am missing my guy’s hugs now, still after 3. and a half years he’s been gone. I miss that communicating touch that said so much, I just miss everything about my Ed. So no your blog isn’t weird about hugs, you are right on girl!!! Love reading what I am usually feeling inside my heart, you say it so much better!
Jodi, this is so true and you are not weird, or I would be weird too, lol. My husband had been gone almost 2 years now and he was the best hugger in the world. Oh how I miss his embrace. I shared this with my sister many months ago and now when we see each other she gives me a nice, big hug and it feels so good. Not in a perverted way but like you said, a caring and loving way. Thanks for sharing your journey with me and other widows. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me..