Be Strong & Courageous

My four-year respite from parenting a teenager has ended. I now have another teenager in the house. Some people, (like Jen Hatmaker) love this age. I, on the other hand, do not. I’m terrible at parenting teens! I don’t have the patience for the door slamming, the eye rolling, and the incessant testing of boundaries! And, unfortunately, I think it shows.

The teen years seem to turn the kid you once knew into someone completely different. Someone that is struggling to find their identity, testing out their moral compass and their independence, yet aren’t quite equipped to fully handle it. The teen years turn me into a Mom who feels controlling, impatient and unreasonable, and yet I know I’m doing the right thing. But those teens, man…they have a knack for making you feel like you’re the crazy one. And without my parenting partner here to share the load of it all and to reassure me that I’m doing the right thing, it’s an extra lonely and tiresome job.

Our latest (and recurring) conflict surrounds technology. (Shaking my fists at technology!). I have rules in place for Internet, Apps and cell phone usage in general. They are rules put in place in order to provide safety and overall well being. And guess what? Teens hate rules! I don’t care what people say about kids actually loving boundaries and structure – they don’t. They hate it. And when they hate something, the whole house feels it.

I bought a safe for our house a couple years ago. It wasn’t for important documents and valuables, as most people probably use a safe for. Instead, it houses tablets, laptops and a Wii gaming system. And currently, it houses a teenager’s phone. The safe is getting full.

Listen, I don’t want to be a warden. I don’t want to be a whip-cracking, yelling monster of a Mom. But hear this, teen and tween, if you break the rules, especially if you break them intentionally and repeatedly, you lose. You lose privileges, and more importantly you lose trust. And trust takes time to rebuild.

I want nothing more than to trust my kids! But that’s not where we are at the moment. So, I try to explain all of this in a calm, not frustrated or angry voice. I give reminders of my love and of my duties as Mom. And I do my very best to ignore the eye rolls and door slams because they’re just par for the teenage course.

Technology is newer territory in parenting today’s teens. You can’t really remove it from their lives altogether because this is 100% part of their world. They are required to use technology for school assignments, for crying out loud. My goal is to teach them how to use it safely, in moderation, and within the guidelines they’ve been given. I want them to know how to interact with actual people they know! Make eye contact! Have a conversation using their actual God-given voices! I seriously think this new generation of kids is going to develop neck problems from all the hunching over their electronics they do.

This morning, newly grounded from phone, I drove my teen to a choir rehearsal before school. Mornings aren’t the most friendly of times anyway, but today was extra angry. I just left her alone. Said good morning and ignored all of the ways she tried to convey her disdain for me. I turned on the radio to a cable news program. And much to my satisfaction, they were devoting an entire segment on children and technology. (Extremely satisfying inner gloat).

The anchors spoke with experts about how kids don’t know how to engage in person anymore, how it is the job of parents to set rules to teach self-control, moderation of use and safety. They discussed how interacting online is proven to make people feel lonlier! (I tried to hide the satisfaction from my face).

My teen snapped, ”Can you change the station?!” and I calmly said, “No, I’m listening to this news.” The teen had no choice but to listen because no phone means no ear buds blocking out the rest of the world. I couldn’t wait to get home to text my sister, who has helped fill the role of reassuring voice on this parenting road.

We arrived at school, and on her way out the door I said, “I love you! Have a great day!” That was met with a dirty look and a huffing, stomping exit into the school.

This job is exhausting. I want my kid back! Jen Hatmaker! How and why do you love this age? Seriously, HOW?!

I hope she knows how very much I love her. I hope she knows I’m sorry when I say things like, “I wish Dad was here” when we are in conflict. Maybe that’s wrong of me, but it sure is true. I need him here for this! Parenting teens is not a job for one!

I don’t usually write about personal things that would embarrass my kids, but this time, I just needed to do that. I need to be honest about how hard it is to take all the moods, all the rebellion, the sassing and the lashing out all by myself. I need to air the frustration of it all.

And most importantly, I need to put it in writing how very much I love my kids. Any rules I make or consequences I give may not be perfect, but they are done with the absolute best of intentions. I have been trusted to get them safely to adulthood. It’s a big, big job and one for which I often feel utterly unqualified, but it’s my responsibility nonetheless.

I know she loves me too. And even though she doesn’t understand me right now, and I often struggle to understand her, at the very heart of it is love. I really hope she remembers that always. All the things I do that seem “trivial” and “nonsensical” (teens with large vocabularies are exceptionally challenging) are always with her best interest in mind.

If you’re single parenting a teen, I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, SISTER!!!!! (Or brother). We need to keep God right smack in the middle of this life mission. We are doomed without Him in this giant emotional mess with us. Be reminded and reassured, God knows every hair on their pubescent, rebellious little head and He has a PLAN for them! “Be strong and courageous” is for times such as these, my friends.

Joshua 1:9  (NIV)

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Before we know it, they’ll fly the nest. Why this happens just when they become enjoyable again is an exceptionally cruel thing.

So rejoice in the moments when they aren’t muttering under their breath and cherish the times of emotional rest. Although the teen years are hard, they really do go by so fast. Holy cow, though…EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED!!!!

Extra Grace,

Jodi