A Change of Plans

I saw a post on Facebook this morning from The Good Grief Trust. It was a Willie Nelson song about loss, titled “Something You Get Through.”

You can LISTEN HERE.

I listened to the song, soothed by Willie’s trademark simplicity of lyric and sound. I liked the song, understood it’s message, but was more impacted by the memories it stirred.

They weren’t really memories of loss, but of adaptation. A reminder of how many times in my life I’ve had to learn how to deal with a “change of plans.” Hearing Willie reminded me of my 18-23 year old self.  I wanted so badly to be a country singer. I traveled around entering every contest and performing at every local festival I could find. I even made several trips to Nashville, determined to make it. Still to this day, I know every word of every Judds song ever recorded. I figured if my voice weren’t good enough, then surely this cow-print outfit with matching cow-print boots AND fringe would do the trick? (LOL!!!)

  

I did have many cool experiences though, like singing at Gilley’s open mic night, meeting with a Nashville talent agent, singing at The Nashville Palace, and meeting Vince Gill & Garth Brooks!!

  

Despite all of these “almosts”, I didn’t make it. I’m thankful for the time I spent pursuing big dreams though. Each “almost,” “no,” or “runner up” shaped me. It strengthened the determination and taught me how to adapt and I learned how to deal with a change of plans.

This isn’t even close to the experience of losing my husband, of course, but it did make me think on the similar parts. The dreams I had? How I thought my life was supposed to go? They didn’t work out the way I thought they would. Again, life would require me to change paths, reinvent myself and find new dreams to pursue. I’d have to find new things to hope for and new goals achieve…like it or not.

We’ve all had many disappointments in our lives, I’m sure of that. Disappointment isn’t the right word for losing a loved one though– devastation is probably a better description. But some way, some how, some day, we need to find our way forward without them. I’m trying. I will always grieve the things that were supposed to be. I will always feel sadness about the dreams and plans we had for our future that we won’t have a chance to live out. But I’m so glad that part of my life happened!

I know Mark would want me to figure out what’s next and pursue it with the kind of determination and hope that is me. I know he’d encourage me to carry his memory with me as I try to chase new dreams. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. Not just for my kids, and me but for him, too. Some days it’s not easy. There are waves of profound grief. Other days, there are waves of courage. I’m trying to ride those waves of courage.

I know we don’t always feel brave and hopeful, really…I do!! But I also know God isn’t going to let us down. I mean, He loved me when I owned “ropers,” (Extra Grace!!!) so I KNOW He still loves me now. He loves you, too.

He loves you when you’re in the thick of your grief. He loves you when you’re trying to find a way forward. And He loves you through all the phases yet to come. Rest in Him. Find courage in Him. Trust in His plans.

Extra Grace,

Jodi

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