I made it. I knew I would, but what I wasn’t sure of was if I’d feel better today. I’m here to tell you, I do. As soon as I’m done talking with you, I’m ready to get to work.
Yesterday was hard. It was harder than I thought it would be. Before Mark died, I’d try to encourage others facing a day like yesterday to remember ALL of the days, not just the day their person died. I was stupid then. To all of you I may have said that to, I’m so sorry. Now I know it’s probably best just to keep it simpler. I should’ve just said I’m thinking about you today or I love you or something like that.
Although it’s true I am able to look back on all of our wonderful memories with gratitude for what we had, yesterday was one of those days when the memories evoked more pain than appreciation, although I was and am thankful too.
Yesterday, the memories opened a floodgate of tears. It was a pity party, I suppose. But some days the stories of the love we shared feels like reminding a starving person of what they once ate. Sure am grateful for that food I once had, but the pain of hunger prevails. That’s what yesterday felt like.
If you shared memories with me – please continue to do so. Don’t read what I’m writing as a criticism. It’s not you, it’s me…really. I cherish the memories, especially the ones from your perspective. They are wonderful…most days. On the days when they’re too painful, I save them because all the other days they are comfort.
As I’m typing this, my Google calendar just popped up a reminder: Mark’s birthday tomorrow. SIGH!!!
I’m planning to make some Weight Watcher cupcakes and talk about some fun memories with the kids. I don’t know what else to do. The kids don’t have any ideas either. So we’ll stumble through another hard day and soon it’ll be just normal days without him. I don’t like March very much. I’ll be glad when it’s over.
Thanks for all of your words of encouragement yesterday (and every day!). I really do appreciate the memories you share, the love you give, the prayers you lift. Thank you. Please continue.
And for all of you gearing up to face your own calendar reminders – I’m holding your hand…hugging you tight…and praying for you fiercely.
In other random news, my weigh-in yesterday has me at a total loss of 19.4 lbs. I can’t tell yet because, well, I have a LOT to lose. Gman says he feels a difference when he hugs me (sweet boy). He’s probably fibbing, but there’s one lie I don’t mind.
I’ve also been busy planning our family vacation this summer to South Dakota. It’s going to be a good old-fashioned American Road Trip kind of experience (I hope). No tablets, no phones (except me). Even though it’s four months away, I enjoy the research and planning – especially when I should be working on other tasks. It’s my escape from the higher priorities that are overwhelming me right now.
Charlie is growing SO big. He’s such a sweetheart, but he loves the dirt and mud in the garden. (NOOOOOO!!!!). He also needs Beano for dogs. Seriously – it’s bad. But other than that, he’s perfect. We love him so much.
Alrighty, back to work. Sending love and encouragement to each and every one of you today. May you experience the hope of the cross even more profoundly this Holy Week. The sorrow and grief represented in the road to the cross and the torturous crucifixion has been overcome with the joy of the resurrection. Sunday is a-comin’!
Extra grace,
Jodi
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Here are some words I read after my husband died. They are a good reminder for me when that committee in my head attempts to take control of my feelings. “The days of grief will be hard, the bumps in the road will hurt, and the holes in our hearts will be vast. But the goodness of God will flow through them if we will trust in Him.” It’s almost three years since he died; this is the time when he was beginning to show the struggle of chemo-brain in the short time of treatment, and the memories of frustration on both our parts is like a knife slowly slicing open a layer. I keep telling myself this will pass, and I know it will. Tears still well up in my eyes and slowly trickle down but it’s becoming less and easier to control. God is good!
A long time ago a friend told me that when she was frustrated with her two kids she would think of me dealing with my five children. In some way that was comforting for her! Now here I am with five grown children, eight Grandchildren in a very loving, close family. Fourteen months ago I lost the love of my life, my husband, having been married for 46 years.
When I view your blog I see through the pain how lucky I am to have been able to have raised my children, you have to deal with raising your children without their father. My heart goes out to you Jodi and I am so glad for you because you use your personal faith to get you through. I just want to say that what has helped me go through this journey are my friends who have lost their spouses as well. This is more difficult for someone as young as you but I do hope you somehow have a friend or someone on your journey that you can share with.
This is my first year since Dan died so I have been going through the firsts. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and the day of his death comes in couple more. Mostly I am doing well but some times, no. The memories are there but painful because it makes me miss him more. Being together 45 years does that to a person I guess. Thanks for helping me understand my emotions and that I’m not alone,.
Hello Jody,
I have been reading your blog for a few months now. I appreciate your honesty about all of your sorrows and challenges and also take comfort in the Bible verses I recognize from my Methodist upbringing.
Our circumstances are quite different, though. We were in our mid 60s when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly of cardiac arrest. We did not have children and were from very small families so my challenge has been feeling alone in this world rather than raising children alone.
I have been distracted the last few days so only just now read your last three blogs entries emails. Imagine my surprise to note that the reason you had written so many entries was the same reason that I was distracted. Our husbands both died on March 26 although my husband died four years ago. March with its often gloomy weather and this date of transition is difficult for me as well.
Please know that you are in my thoughts often and will most especially be so in March’s to come. I hope your many plans and goals come to fruition.
Wishing you peace and comfort,
Anne Olson
Dear sweet girl. I do NOT know how you manage so well with such deep heartache at such a tender age. I have been married for over 40 years to the same man, and I know that I would grieve deeply for a very long time should God take him out of my life before I go from this earth. But I do believe that nothing is wasted, not even our grief. And reading your thoughts and how you share your feelings about what you are going through, helps me to understand my two girlfriends who both lost their husbands in this past year. It has helped me to understand how difficult it has been for them, and thus, be more empathetic, and to choose my words more carefully. To be present with them and lend support without words. To just love on them and do for them. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your hopefulness. May God bless and strengthen you as you journey forward.
It’s been 3 years March 11th since I lost my husband. Reading your blog for the better part of the last year has blessed me tremendously. Thanks so much for sharing and putting into words so many of the things I could not have described. I feel like I’ve turned a corner in my grief journey. I’m finally able to look beyond the memories of the 4 1/2 years I cared for my husband after his stroke to the 14 years of good memories we had before that. It has taken me awhile to get there but I really feel like you helped a great deal with that. I pray God will bless you many times over for all the help you have given to me and many others. Thank for answering God in this calling and allowing him to speak through you. I’m praying for you and your kids.
I don’t know if you already know about this class, and in case you don’t, I wanted to share it with you. There is an organization called Grief Share that developed a Christian based program to help people with grief. It is a 13 week class and is very affordable. You are able to take the course as many times as you need to at no additional cost. You put your zip code in at http://www.griefshare.org to find where classes will be offered that are close to you. It does not matter if your losses are recent or not. You can join at any time even if the course already started because each class is self contained. Do this for you. They discuss so many of the things you are thinking and feeling and the videos are excellent. God bless you.
I have had a few of those days lately, My sister lost her husband after 15 years of illness and being his caregiver. I was with her when they took him to the hospital, hospice and then (with the help of our brother) helped her through the hard stuff like planning a memorial service, going to the SS office and VA, etc. I was fine, strong, and was so thankful for that, then it hit and everything, MY sorrow of losing my husband has come flooding back in. My “1 year” is quickly approaching and I just don’t know how I will be or our boys (who are both married) will be, his brothers, etc. I have never had a day since he died that I just stayed in bed and just let it all out, but that may be one of those days. When you’ve lost the absolute love of your life, father to your children and best friend, I don’t know how you could be anything else but a complete mess on the anniversary of their death. I dread it. I know I am not alone in my feelings and hearing/reading you express your honest feelings, it helps me to feel like I’m okay in my feelings and it’s going to be okay. None of this is a surprise to God and He will give us strength to face these days. Love you girl…
I can hardly motivate today! My husbands 76th birthday will be tomorrow and our 55th anniversary in December. I see all of my married friends going on with each other and me being excluded most of the time. I know I am a 5th wheel but it hurts a lot most of the time. I try to keep a stiff upper lip but it is so hard! I have friends to call but you have to know that is. No one wants to talk to a crier on the phone. Just had to vent
I feel selfish! I know you had a much shorter time with hour husband and my children are grown. I wonder how you do it sometimes other than it is a distraction maybe. I had Jack for 53 years and yours was much shorter.. People post pictures of him on a motorcycle ride and I just break down. He dies riding his motorcycle and doing what he loved so that is a comfort I guess
I feel selfish! I know you had a much shorter time with my husband and my children are grown. I wonder how you do it sometimes other than it is a distraction maybe. I had Jack for 53 years and yours was much shorter.. People post pictures of him on a motorcycle ride and I just break down. He died riding his motorcycle and doing what he loved so that is a comfort I guess
I attended a Lenten retreat with couples and some widows and single ones. We had a special group, I think there were 12 of us – only one widower. We shared some sorrows of the past when our partners left us for eternity. One realization: the Lord has a special place in His heart for widows because He is our husband – that means- He is our provider, sustainer, protector, and lover. This a great comfort to me 🙂