Today the calendar tells me it’s been two years since I lost my husband. I am not fond of the reminder of the passage of more time. I don’t know what to do on this day. I really don’t want to dwell on this day at all. And yet…
I have a lot of tasks that need to be accomplished today. That was my plan. Stay busy, work on my speech, do the taxes, practice a song I’m working on, do the laundry – but I’m moving through wet cement today. I wanted to burst open the blinds like my Grandma used to do and declare, “This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be GLAD in it!” But today it’s raining and the kind of darkness outside that comes when a thunderstorm moves in. There’s no sunshine to stream in through the windows. How fitting. I’m not feeling “glad in it.”
And yet, lying on the couch doesn’t make it NOT two years today either. I guess two years in, there are still days when grief covers you like a heavy, wet blanket. There are still days when the best-laid game plan goes out the window and you just can’t. Although I’d rather be getting my work done, declaring my joy and gratitude, providing encouragement and comfort to you all, today I just can’t.
Overall, I think I’ve come a long way the last two years. I’m more than surviving. I’m working toward big goals, feeling hopeful and thankful. I’m recalling the love I was given and it brings me more smiles than tears. I am taking steps to take care of myself and doing my best to LIVE my life with purpose.
But today feels bad. Today sadness is louder and bigger than gratitude, happiness, optimism and productivity. Oh well. “It is what it is” as my husband used to say. Fight it or acknowledge it, sit in it awhile and then move on tomorrow or as soon as I can. That’s the detour I’m on today and it’s ok.
It’s the rain that cleanses, the darkened skies that make us appreciate the rays of warm sunshine, and the rough days that produce a greater love for the wonderful ones. I’ll move forward again later, but today I’m going to be still and just BE. That’s enough. Some days that is more than enough.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
– 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV
Today I’m weak, but HE is strong. And that is sufficient.
Love and extra grace to each and every one of you today!!
Jodi
Big, warm hugs for you today, Jodi. You’ve come so far in two years. Be gentle on yourself. You are LOVED. ❤️❤️😗
I have been thinking of you and praying for you since your last post. May you find comfort in the memories you have of your husband and that one day you will see him again.
Yes, God’s grace is sufficient and He understands our sorrows. Take care of yourself today even if that means doing nothing but reliving memories. You’ll be back to the business of life soon enough. God bless you and your family.
Beautiful, fitting reflection. Extra prayers for you today.
This day will always have a place in my heart. How blessed we are to have met you and Mark . You both enriched our lives and made us better people. Hugs to you on this rainy day which we could use sunshine but, As Mark would say , , “It is what it is” 💜
I am sending prayers and big hugs for you. I thank you so much for sharing your feelings. It helps me on my journey . May God continue to bless you.
There is a great talk and song about the Lord using broken things… broken clouds bring rain , broken ground, new growth. Some days we just feel broken!! I pray you can feel the Lord filling in your broken pieces . Be still today as He works his tender mercies in you and through you. What a blessing you are to me and so many on this journey . You are never alone!
I’ve read so many of your wonderful posts and can relate so well with them. Thank you for sharing your hard times and your good and growing times. I will relive the second anniversary of my husband’s death this August. Grief is so strange; sometimes I’m feeling so positive and strong and out of the blue that wave hits me in the gut again. The Lord is so good to me, and He carries me when I’m overwhelmed. My prayers are with you today, and thank you for sharing your life with us.
today I am on day 528 of my widow journey…I so resonate with your post. ((((HUGS))))
I also count in days, Linda. Today is 610. Yesterday when I wrote this number in my journal I thought to myself, “Am I weird to still be counting in days?” Now I know I am normal. We do what works for us.
I’m feeling your sadness today too, in anticipation of my 2 year anniversary in July. Hugs to you today and everyday!
I printed your post and put it in my April appointment book., as i will be observing my 3rd “anniversary” on April 13. I’m sure that will be a day just like you are having and it is comforting to know I’m not alone and can survive. Your posts have inspired me so many times, Jodi. Sending prayers on your behalf.
Goodness. Thank you so much for this, and thank you to Sheri and Linda and Mary Lynne for their comments. I also am coming up on my two year anniversary. Like Sheri – I printed this and have it in my journal book for July. Linda, the 26th of July will be my two year anniversary. Mary Lynne – I also count in days — today is 610. Jodi, like you, I am feeling hope and am past the survival stage. I am definitely actively “participating” in life today and most days are good. However, I did get sweep of grief a few days ago – I could barely get out of bed. But, these days are fewer and fewer apart, and the time in deep grief is shorter and shorter (by noon, I was up and functioning and even laughing). All of you here really help me know that I am sane and normal. Thank you all. You have no idea how helpful this blog and the comments are to me. God bless you all.
You’re doing a great job! Your husband would be so proud of you. Yes, some days we have “big plans”, but you have to allow yourself to make a last minute change and do “whatever feels right for you”. You would have done that when your husband was still here, so no reason to feel like it’s not OK to do that now. Take care of yourself! You’re living Gracefully! And being an inspiration to the rest of us also on this journey we weren’t ready to be on. But, “we’re all in this together” – we’re here for each other.
Thank you for your post. I am also two years today on this journey.. I feel about the same as you. There is much to be thankful for but I still miss Bob.
Prayers for you and your kiddos. We are in this together! Your words are always such a blessing. Thank you!
extra grace to you today, sister.
I have found that the anticipation of an anniversary of one kind or another, holiday, etc., is usually worse than the actual day. My husband died the day after T-giving and had unrelated surgery about a month before. The past two years, I began cranking up in mid-Oct w/our wedding anniv and memories of the surgery w/the apprehension, anxiety and sadness continuing thru Nov, the holiday season, up thru NYD. Just so many special days all in a row. But the actual days weren’t bad! I’m hoping this 3rd year will be easier.