I walked by our picture on the wall. I stopped. First I smiled at the memory of you, and then I touched the glass and tried to recall how it felt to touch your face.
And grief rose up anew.
The radio sings the song we danced to on our wedding day.
And grief rose up anew.
The rings we exchanged the day we vowed ourselves to each other sit alone in a box on a dusty shelf in the closet.
And grief rose up anew.
I had a really great day. It was full of accomplishment. I know you would have been proud of me and shared my joy.
And grief rose up anew.
The car next to me at the stoplight was just like the one you used to drive. I recalled what you looked like behind the wheel. I remembered the times you offered to help with errands and offered to pick things up from the store on your way home from work.
And grief rose up anew.
Your son helped an elderly man at the store today without prompting. I wanted to share that with you. I wished you could be here to see your children grow up.
And grief rose up anew.
I found old emails you sent me about taxes you were completing. It was just one of the many ways you always took care of us.
And grief rose up anew.
Our daughters are growing into amazing young women. They’re so smart and brave and funny. You would be so proud of them. As they get older, I think of their eventual wedding days and wish you could be here to walk them down the aisle.
And grief rose up anew.
I have so many wonderful memories. But then I realize some of them were created since you’ve been gone. New memories you aren’t a part of.
And grief rose up anew.
I pulled out five plates for dinner and then remembered we’re a family of four now.
And grief rose up anew.
Dates on the calendar that represent your life and our love stare back at me.
And grief rose up anew.
The couple in front of me holding hands and laughing.
And grief rose up anew.
A Dad playing catch with his son in a yard nearby.
And grief rose up anew.
The Daddy Daughter dance pictures that flood my Facebook timeline every February.
And grief rose up anew.
I saw your favorite dessert on a restaurant’s menu.
And grief rose up anew.
Sometimes the kids behave terribly, as kids often do, and I reach the end of my rope.
And grief rose up anew.
Moments that would’ve caused us to laugh together plus all the inside jokes we enjoyed.
And grief rose up anew.
The dryer vent guard up on the roof fell off, the fence is broken and I spend hours on computer problems you could’ve fixed in your sleep.
And grief rose up anew.
Moments of gratitude for all we had, appreciation for all you provided, thankfulness for the million ways you loved us.
And grief rose up anew.
Making the most of my life without you. Believing we will be ok. Trusting in God’s promises. Laughing, living, and hoping again. But each day, there still comes a moment where
Grief rose up anew.
The farther down the survival road I travel; I realize more and more that grief is not something we get to leave behind. It’s not something we merely walk through but rather something we learn to carry. It’s weight feels lighter sometimes, allowing us to walk farther, faster. But it’s a part of us now. We can learn to smile again, to dream, to laugh and enjoy life….but there are moments every day where grief rose up anew.
It doesn’t mean we aren’t healing. It doesn’t mean we’re destined to live in sorrow the remainder of our days. It represents how loss has changed us. It has made us more compassionate. It has made us stronger. It has sharpened our gratitude. It has made us even more eager for Heaven.
But our hearts miss you every day. We don’t want the reminders of your love for us and of our love for YOU to disappear, but when they surface,
Our grief will rise up anew.
Extra grace,
Jodi
Oh my word – exactly!!!! Even at 19 months into my grief, I recognize each and every one of these happen almost ever week. Thank you for sharing this.
Exactly… Every. Single. Day.
Exactly that. Just as you’ve described. These moments punctuate our days now. Sometimes the pause is a little sharper, the sting a little more felt over the top of the ever-present ache. Saudade. I do think, no matter how much joy we eventually reclaim, this will always be with us. And Jesus knows all that, too. Peace, sister, to you and yours today.
You so read my heart, Jodi. Mike’s birthday is tomorrow–first birthday without him. One year is coming up in April. Tears are quick to come these days–even now as I type these comments. And grief rose up anew…Love you, my Friend.
Exactly, Jodi. You are right on the mark with this posting. My Joanie transitioned almost a year ago now, but after all of the research that I have done – plus seeing mediums – I know that she is here with us. Everything I do she is a part of. Of course, I cry every day; thirty years of marriage had a lasting effect on me, but I know that she still here and that makes things just a little easier.
Thank you, Jodi.
So true. I am deeply grateful for your willingness to share with us. You put into words the feelings and thoughts I have as I journey down this path of never-gonna-be-the-sameness.
Jodi you have a way of drilling down to the feelings and thoughts I experience on a daily basis. Thank you for expressing so well the many ways we experience grief. Our daughter is getting married June 9 after many years of being divorced and as a single mom, to a wonderful man much like her dad who died June 26;2016. Her dad would be thrilled and I certainly am, as are her children but it brings up a lot of emotions, good and painful. We will have two empty chairs representing her dad and her sister who died Dec 2, 2011. Needless to say, I am on a roller coaster of emotions and praying I can be strong for her and my family. Thanks for your encouragement.
It’s been 19 months since my husband passed. Your comments are spot on. Thank you.
It’s five years next month and I still feel every moment just like you do. We are moving on but still
Have those moments that it still seems like yesterday. I don’t know that it will ever change it will be different, and maybe the moments won’t come so often but we still remember and so want it back to the way it was even when we know it will never be the same. I have a new grandson due any day and those are the moments I wish he was here . He has missed so much, kids getting married , buying first homes having children. Those are the things that break my heart that he is missing.
I love your writing, your heart, and you and your beautiful family!
Psalm 136
1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
4 to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
5 who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
7 who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
8 the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
9 the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.
10 to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
11 and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
12 with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.
13 to him who divided the Red Sea[a] asunder
His love endures forever.
14 and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
15 but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.
16 to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.
17 to him who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.
18 and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.
19 Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.
20 and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.
21 and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.
22 an inheritance to his servant Israel.
His love endures forever.
23 He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
24 and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
25 He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.
26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.
<3 Amen!
Thank you – this may be one of the most powerful for me – I miss my husband every day, but see and feel his grace in my life every day. Again, thank you for putting into words what we all seem to be feeling in our hearts.
Yes….10 months into this grief journey and even tho my days are mostly good it can still stagger me how quickly grief can rise up anew, out of nowhere, over something so simple as a tv commercial, a choice for dinner, a dirty dish even!
It hasn’t been even 2 months and I feel like I’m actually dying inside or have died with him…I can’t imagine life without him …I am currently at “Our Place” at the beach a place where only we shared with each other not even our children. I find myself here with our children and it’s almost more than I can take …I feel close to you here since we were married at the beach in front of our beach house where I now sit….. I often see people we knew down here and it’s the things people say who don’t know such as we went to the hardware store today and one man said well daddy is probably proud of u young man…or the coffee lady that made more turtle frapp so some was left over and said here you go some more to share with that special someone …things like that just set me up for uncontrollable tears and grief …how can I deal with him not being here when I can’t deal with the little things that people say so innocently…
Jodi, Jodi, Jodi……you did it to me again!!! I could take out some of the part’s that don’t apply to me and it would depict how I feel and how I know my sons and daughters-in-law feel to the tee. Whoa! I am going to print this out and share with my GriefShare group if I have your permission, it’s just too good not to share. Thank you for being you and for pouring out your heart to your husband, God and all of us who follow you. Love you girl!
I picked up my income tax return from one of his best friends and the man he mentored for years who replaced him when he retired. And grief arose anew. Another of his friends who prepared income tax with him for 17 years waited for me to arrive so he could say hi. And grief arose anew. I cried all the way home and off and on thru the afternoon and until I went to bed. Been awhile since I’ve done that much crying. I’m into my third year without him. Thank you, Jodi.
Hi Jodi – I loved this. Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s 46 days now and I still can’t breathe.
Thanks Jo-Anne! It is so interesting!