This past weekend I was not the Mom I want to be. I was really in a royal funk. Despite the glorious weather, I just couldn’t break free from my sad, depressed mood. In my mind, there were a million to-do’s and fun ideas swirling, but I just couldn’t DO it.
I saw the disappointment on my children’s faces. They wanted to play, they wanted to go places, and they wanted their Mom. But I couldn’t do it. So on top of feeling like I couldn’t break through the quick sand, I felt guilt for being this way.
I apologized to the kids. I explained I was having a sad day and I didn’t know why. I assured them I would be ok. I let them have unlimited TV and electronics time. We had drive-thru for dinner. (They were not sad about this!) It was a miserable moment of motherhood.
Sundays are the hardest anyway. Sundays were the days we enjoyed the most as a family. One look outside and I can see husbands working with their wives on home improvement projects. I can see families playing with their kids in their yards. Sundays were our best times together as a family. But this particular Sunday was worse than usual.
I don’t know if it’s because Easter is this week and Easter reminds me of LAST Easter and that was the worst weekend of my life? I don’t know if it’s because my new medicine hasn’t had a chance to work yet? I don’t know if it’s just a normal thing that’s going to happen every now and then? But I don’t like it. No matter what, I try to be a good Mom to my kids. I try to give them what they need. And last weekend I just couldn’t do it. It was like trying to sprint through neck-deep setting cement.
I’m usually a very positive, mostly happy person. I don’t like to dwell in negativity or seek attention. And yet, I wasn’t able to escape the feelings that came on Sunday. I’m sharing this with you because I think it’s important you know. Maybe you’ve also had a day, week or an entire season like this too? If so, I just want you to know you aren’t the only one.
I’m happy to report today is a new day. It’s a brand-new crack at life. Maybe I’ll have a better time of things today.
“God, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.” Psalm 30:2-3
I wish I had something funny to share with you today instead. I wish I had wisdom or profound words of encouragement. I considered not writing today. I thought about waiting until there was something more comforting or entertaining to be told. But I promised you’d be along for the ride no matter what it brought. I said I’d share the good, the funny, the comforting, and also the bad. I guess today is the “ugly” part of my story. I hope it doesn’t drive you away and you’ll stick around for the better parts. It’s the less popular chapter in my grief, but it’s one I need to talk about.
Depressed days are a joy impediment and I refuse to stay in this place. I’ll use every tool in my arsenal to clamor out of it. There’s still so much wonderful in this life and I want to live out my purpose with genuine gladness. So today, I’m going to soak up some sunshine and get my hands dirty in the garden. Or, maybe I’ll just get dressed and take down the Nativity set. Progress is progress, afterall.
I’m choosing to forgive myself for yesterday. I’m making a conscious effort to focus on Easter and all it means. It means all of my shortcomings, all my sins, all the moments where I fell short have been covered by His blood because He loved me THAT MUCH! As a widow, Easter offers me even more understanding and hope than before. It means there will come a day when I will be reunited with my husband. It means he is no longer sick or disabled. It means he is healed! It means no more sadness or suffering. It means this life is not the end.
When I spend time in this story, I’m overcome with emotion. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and joy. I’m so thankful my husband is healed and look forward to the day when we will be together again. This is what is helping me get through this major funk. If I am loved THAT much, then it is certain He will also help me through this dark time and guide me to fulfilling the earthly purpose He has in store for me. This much I know!
God understands my funk. I’m finding comfort in these verses today:
I waited and waited and waited for God.
At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to God.
Psalm 40:1-3 (The Message)
You, Lord, are my lamp;
the Lord turns my darkness into light.
2 Samuel 22:29 (NIV)
If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.
Disciples so often get into trouble;
still, God is there every time.
Psalm 34:18-19 (The Message)
Don’t you just love the bluntness of The Message version of these passages? See? God gets it! We’re not alone.