Last week was full of really difficult parenting moments, mixed with other challenging “adulting” decisions. There were anxiety triggers right and left. My husband was so good at knowing what to say to calm me down. He provided perspective that usually stopped my anxious spirals. He was often this calming neutralizer with the kids too.
I’ve relied on a couple close friends to fill that role now. It’s not at all the same, but it’s something. I do try to imagine what my husband would say to me. I think about what he would do. I’m not a weak woman, however I was used to being in a partnership, not flying solo. Although I’m capable of making tough decisions on my own, I really miss my other half. He was my champion, my encourager, my reassuring opinion and voice of reason. He loved me and supported me. It’s just not the same without him. Those roles are now mostly vacant and the void is painful.
I’m so thankful for the friendships that help. I’m in a process of figuring out who plays what role in my life now. It’s trial and error and it can be frustrating at times. I know it’s not anyone’s job to be my husband, nor can they be even if they wanted. I wonder how many times is too many to ask a neighbor for help with home maintenance questions before I’m just an annoying burden. I think about how much is too much to share with friends, because they aren’t my husband – they are friends.
I guess I’ll figure it out over time. In the meantime, I’ll try to keep calm. I’ll be thankful for all that’s good and keep praying and trusting God with all that’s not.