How To Serve The Grieving

September 21, 2016

The first weeks after losing my husband are a total blur. I sort of remember there was food and lots of visitors and hugs. Unfortunately most of the faces and their loving gifts are swirled up in the tsunami that was my grief and I don’t remember much of it. It was so primal those first weeks; there really wasn’t much capacity for permanent recall. But just because I can’t remember, doesn’t mean that every single act of love and service wasn’t appreciated. They were. All of them.

Over time, I’ve regained a few of the brain cells no longer preoccupied with mere survival. I’ve found lists of what people brought and can now remember extraordinary ways my people showed up and loved us. I can’t begin to name all of the things, but there are a few rock star grief goodies that stand out. Helpful things people gave, said or did that extra helped, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. Most of these things came from people who have walked through their own hell.

Grief makes us awesome comforters and helpers if we let it. I could immediately tell who had experienced great loss in their lives by the things they did or said.

Their words and gifts helped in ways beyond the comfort of feeling loved. They were often ordinary and usually practical. And they were things I’d usually never considered before. Flower-givers, casserole-makers and card-senders are equally important, don’t get me wrong, but I’m going to share some less than obvious ways you can serve the grieving in your life.

The tricky thing is, grieving people are so weird. It’s such an individual thing – what we need, what we want, how we feel – all so different from one another and also likely to change in the blink of an eye. It can be really hard to know what to do, so we often tiptoe around, feeling helpless. We often say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I’ve said it countless times before to grieving friends and family. I probably will rephrase my condolences now though because now I know. I wasn’t able to think about what I needed from all of the helpers offering their assistance the first month. And by the time I had regained half a brain, most of the helpers were gone.

As it turns out, grief lasts longer than sympathy – way longer.

I’m not upset about this at all. In fact, I feel bad for all the people who wanted to help and I couldn’t tell them how because I truly didn’t know. I don’t blame them for moving on. I mean how many times should they need to ask? I would’ve moved on too….before. But now, because grief has changed me, I’ve learned a few things. I don’t have it all figured out, but I have a few more weapons in my “how to comfort them” arsenal.

If you’re a friend to someone who’s experiencing loss, here’s a list of ideas for you if you’re just not sure what to do or say.

  • Writing something personal in the sympathy card

My favorites involved lovely, often funny stories about my husband.  Sure, they made me cry, but what comfort the personal stories brought me!

  • Gift cards to restaurants

It was seriously almost three months before I could do more than prepare a bowl of cereal or toast for my family, and even that felt overwhelming. The freezer was bursting at the seams but defrosting things and turning on the oven? More than I could handle. (Sincerest thanks casserole people – we are eating your delicious creations now – yum!)

  • Paper goods

Toilet paper, paper plates, paper towels, Kleenex, napkins, food storage bags, etc. Because seriously, who has time to run to the store for toilet paper when you’re grieving. Plus, there are people at the store and they might ask how you’re doing and no. Just NO to that for a while. Too much.

  • Breath mints

Do you know what happens when you cry a lot and are running on emotional fumes? Bad breath, that’s what. I honestly don’t even know if I brushed my teeth those first weeks, which is totally gross, but who knows? It’s a grief mystery. All of the hugging people and having to talk close-up to people makes this a gift that keeps on giving.

  • Postage stamps

I received a few sympathy cards containing stamps. Thank you! Because running out to buy a stamp was a tiny bit not even on my priority list. These same beautiful people usually wrote their name and address and what they gave inside the card (so I didn’t have to!) and also gave me a free pass on sending them a thank you. I will, eventually (hoping etiquette gives me a year to get all of these written because I’m still not done!), but what an insightful way to bless me. So wonderful.

  • Less talk, more listen

Listening is probably the most underappreciated gift, yet one of the most valuable. It’s especially an excellent choice when you’re just not sure what to say. Don’t feel bad, most people don’t. It’s just as awkward for you as it is for me.

  • Things to occupy the kids

Books, toys, craft kits, Legos, Build-A-Bear and movie theater gift cards – all of these types of things helped give my kids something to do while their Mom was distracted and unavailable. It’s awkward for kids to have a bunch of adults invade their house when they’re craving a sliver of “normal”. It helped. It was so kind and it helped.

  • Things the kids would eat

Granola bars, cereal, juice boxes, Lunchables, fruit, frozen waffles, etc. The truth is, the kids were just too young to appreciate a green bean casserole. They did, however, eat up the kid-friendly food that was delivered. And that, in turn, helped me. When my son asked me one evening at 7 p.m., “Mom, are you going to feed us tonight?” (don’t judge – grief is hard), I had things I could feed them that didn’t require thought or prep work. Thank you!

  • Gift card for retail therapy

Sometimes the greatest gifts aren’t practical gifts. It took many, many weeks before this was fully appreciated, but it turns out when you’re ready to try to take that first step forward out of grief, a new outfit really helps.

  • Rescuing the kids

If you’re close enough to the family, rescuing the kids from grief-central is so kind and gives them something else to think about for a minute. Taking them for a walk, to a movie, playing with them somewhere other than where all the grief is happening is an amazing gift. It also eased my guilt about not spending time with them because I had to be on the phone handling post-death details.

  • Touch Base Regularly

I have one friend who set an alarm on her phone to remind her to check-in with me via text message every day. It’s not as frequent now, but she is still checking in. Some days I had the energy to reply, some days I didn’t, but every time I appreciated knowing someone was still thinking about me. It took less energy than a phone call for me too, which I appreciated.

  • EXTRA GRACE

This should really be at the top of this list. I can’t speak for other grievers, but the most inappropriate things flew out of my mouth the first month – especially at the funeral. I think I told everyone in the condolences line (is that what it’s called?) that Mark’s funeral was the best funeral EVER! (seriously? What in the world!) Sorry about that – and also probably my bad breath.

There are so many more ways you can bless your hurting people. The ideas I listed are just some of the ways. The traditional ways are still beautiful, loving and helpful methods too, so don’t feel badly if that’s what you do. ALL the things are likely a blessing. But don’t we always wonder how we can help someone that’s hurting in real, tangible and even more helpful ways? The things I found ridiculously helpful may not resonate the same way with another person. Grief is so tricky, isn’t it?! Just do your best. We grievers can give extra grace too. And if we don’t, forgive us. We don’t mean it.

Prayer needs a huge shout-out here too. Sometimes that’s the best thing to say. “I’m so sorry and I’m praying for you.” But mean it.

Nothing is more powerful than prayer…paired with a hug or shared cry…and maybe some chocolate. Because after a few weeks, food doesn’t taste like cardboard anymore and chocolate becomes necessary.

Showing up, in whatever way you can is what really matters most. If you know someone hurting after loss, just show up in the ways you’re most equipped. God will use you in the right way. Believe me, all the love languages showed up to comfort and each person’s way was a blessing, for sure.

From the Kleenex givers to the casserole makers, I couldn’t have made it without each and every one of you.

How about you? What are some of the most unique and helpful ways you were served and loved in times of grief? Leave a comment telling us so we can learn new ways to help each other out.

COMING SOON…..Grief Support Dont’s – A list of what NOT to say or do.

There’s still time to enter the Caffeine & Grace T-shirt giveaway! Enter HERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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19 Comments

  • Reply Amy September 21, 2016 at 11:35 am

    Love this list Jodi! So many good things I didn’t think of! 🤗

  • Reply Kimber September 21, 2016 at 11:45 am

    You are so spot on Jodi! Even though my loss is my mom on August 5th, so many of these things apply for me too. I love your writing and appreciate your “voice” about grief and grace.

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 21, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      I’m so sorry, Kimber – losing a Mom at ANY age must be so hard. Loss is loss – there’s not one greater than another. I’m so glad you’re here. Praying for you, lady!

  • Reply Jo September 21, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    Regarding a recent loss of a friend – highly noted offerings on the day of/after the loss: toilet paper and delivery/plugging in of a borrowed smaller deep freeze (garage).

  • Reply DeAnna Carr Graham September 21, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    We’ve lost several family members lately and I’m glad to have your ideas, good timing to help me be a good supporter, thank you. 🙂

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 21, 2016 at 9:01 pm

      I’m so sorry you’re family is going through loss. I hope some of the ideas help. Thanks for being here.

  • Reply Bridget September 21, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    This is a great article. I always struggle with what to do when someone loses a loved one. I lost my Dad almost a year ago and now know how true these are. Thank you and God bless!

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 21, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Oh, Bridget! I’m so sorry you lost your Dad. I’m glad you’re here.

  • Reply Ruth Hemphill September 22, 2016 at 7:08 am

    Great article. About three months after losing her husband, I invited the widow and 2 others over to play cards. We started meeting every other week and now 3 years later are close Christian sisters. We call it our card playing ministry. She says having this time to look forward to continues to help her deal with her grief.

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 22, 2016 at 9:12 am

      What a great idea, Ruth! Thank you for sharing another way to help someone grieving. Thanks for being here!

  • Reply Brittany September 22, 2016 at 9:26 am

    Thank you for some tangible ways for us to be supportive of grieving friends and family. It IS so hard to know what to say and to show our love. Giftcards, postage stamps, snacks, and paper products are at the top of my list now- thanks to you!
    I stopped saying, ” If you ever need something, let me know,” because I have too had people say that to me during a hard time in my life and I wasn’t able to name a thing. Thank you for your validation! I am so glad you have shared your blog with me! Thank you!

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 22, 2016 at 10:02 am

      Awww, Brittany! Thank you so much for saying this. Thank you for wanting to be loving and helpful to your people. You made my day.

  • Reply Virginia September 25, 2016 at 9:04 am

    I lost my father-in-law, my best friend, and my younger brother in the space of 6 weeks during the summer of 15. They left behind children, a husband, and a wife. Those left behind are our immediate focus when we become comforters. But some of us just outside the immediate circle get hit with our grief later, after the rush of taking care of the inner circle. We might not need the casseroles, the paper products etc because we are slightly more able to function. But we do need the cards with personal notes, the texts ( for the same reason), and the card games or some other form of outside activity. So, if you are a card sender, send two or three – always start with the immediate significant other first!

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 25, 2016 at 9:35 am

      Virginia, this is EXCELLENT insight! I’m so glad you shared this important message with all of us. Yes, grief isn’t just about the immediate family, the obvious grievers. Thank you so much for sharing this perspective.

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 25, 2016 at 9:36 am

      and Virginia – I am so VERY sorry for your losses – heartbreaking, for sure. Prayers for you, my friend.

  • Reply Ann September 25, 2016 at 11:30 am

    In 1999, my dad had a life-threatening accident. Neighbors down the road, who had beautiful gardens, volunteered to care for my mom’s gardens that summer. They never looked better!

    Just a couple of weeks after the accident I had to go back to Japan, where I was teaching. People often asked how my dad, and my mom, were doing, but very few asked how _I_ was doing. It was hard to be an adult child, especially so far away, with sparse news. It was still hard when he died in 2014, though I was living 2 miles away, and very involved with my dad’s care, to be asked how my mom was doing, but not how I was doing.

    A few months after Dad’s death would have been their 50th anniversary. I urged my mom to still mark the day, so she had a luncheon, with her matron of honor, the wife of Dad’s best man, and another friend from that time (all widows), and their adult daughters. The others had met before, but didn’t know one another well. It was a delightful time of conversation and reminiscing, celebrating in a different way than if my dad had been living.

    • Reply Extra Grace Required September 25, 2016 at 11:38 am

      Ann – Thank you for sharing your story and insight. We don’t always know what to do, think what we are saying and doing is hitting the mark, and often we aren’t. Hopefully the sharing that’s going on here will be helpful to everyone! I’m so sorry for your loss and that you were often left out of the concern others were expressing. When we know better, we DO better, right?

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