I often see the questions posed, “How do I go on?,” “How can I feel joy again?” These are questions I’ve asked myself in my own grief. On one hand, I have a desire for joy embedded in my heart. And on the other hand, suffering and sadness sometimes feel like a barrier to achieving what I so desperately yearn for.
So how DO you carry learn to carry the weight of loss and find a way to not only seek joy again, but feel it again? I don’t have a magic wand or a 12-step program for you, but I have eight things that are helping to lift me from a place where it was hard to function, to being able to hope again.
It’s not roses and rainbows every day. There are days when I hurt. There are still days when missing my husband overwhelm me and snuff out happiness. But overall, with the help of time and the practice of these eight habits, I feel like I’m getting better at not letting grief continuously steal from my life.
I’m going to call these things the Great 8. I think they’re always important to practice, but especially during painful times. So here are the eight things I want us all to remember as we try to move forward:
- GRACE!
I’m learning how to give it more – not only to others but to myself. I’m not a pro at it, not by any means. I’ve taken my hurt feelings and ended relationships. I’ve gotten mad at drivers who don’t use their turn signals, and I’ve exploded in an angry fit over messy bedrooms. But I’m working on it. I recognized giving grace is an important part of moving forward after loss.
I’m also learning the importance of receiving grace. I mean, We NEED God’s grace at every turn, especially when we’re grieving, so learning how to accept that grace has been key to reclaiming the joy and hope that are also part of this life.
2. GRATITUDE!
There are always things to be thankful for – even when your situation is as bad as you could possibly imagine. It can be hard to be grateful when you’re broken-hearted, but look around, really seek the things that deserve thanks. Some days maybe it’s just being thankful for getting out of bed, or giving thanks for a meal or a roof over your head. In time, this gratitude list gets easier to make and it gets longer, too! It’s been almost three years since I lost my husband. My list has grown exponentially since the early days of grieving. Now I’m able to be thankful for the time I was given with him. Do I still ache to be with him again? Of course! But with time and the intentional practice of gratitude, my heart is not consumed with pain. Today, although sorrow is still in there, the amount of space it’s occupying has shrunk.
I’ve learned that thanking God is an attitude adjuster and a mood shifter. It’s a muscle we need to exercise. Grief left me weak. It depleted my strength. Gratitude has rebuilt my lifting power.
If you’re like me, you’ll find that those prayers of thanksgiving are building blocks. They may start off very few in number, especially early on in grief, but over time, with a consistent search for thanksgivings, I found that my list grew, which meant I was giving thanks to God more and more.
3. Guts & Gumption!
Going through really heartbreaking moments in this life is scary and it’s hard. It takes guts to endure it.
During really tough times, maybe we don’t feel that strong, I know I didn’t, but it’s always been when I’ve been at my weakest, I’ve seen just how strong our God is. He is our strength when we are weak.
God is so much more than we can even imagine. His love for us is unfathomable. He cares. When we are wounded and weak, He comforts and protects.
4. God and His Word
The first year after my loss, I had so many questions and an insatiable desire to know everything there was to know about eternity. Many questions remain, but my intense first year digging deep into God’s word reminded me of this:
God’s word gives me comfort. Praying and really talking with Him gives me peace. The Bible gives me hope. Reading His word sometimes leaves me with more questions, but it always brings peace, strength, a new attitude and a lighter heart. It is relevant and instrumental to finding joy and hope again.
When I’ve gone long stretches without cracking open my Bible, without praying or without worshiping with others at church, I can always tell. These things are intended to help us! We were designed for it! When I dust off my Bible and dig in, suddenly verses I’ve read dozens of times before can speak to me right where I am today, with new and more relevant meaning than before. But it only works when I put my eyes on it. I’m working on being more consistent about all of this, because I KNOW prayer, worship and reading God’s word is the quench to my thirst.
5. Gifts & Talents
God made us all so different and awesome! Some of us are artsy, some of us can cook, some are organized, some are dancers or musicians, some are great with knowing what to say and when to say it while others are amazing listeners.
My point is this – when you’re lost in sorrow, finding your way out is going to involve using your gifts.
If you aren’t sure what your gifts and talents are, ask the people that love you – they’ll know! Use those!
Beautiful things start happening when we start using our gifts. Our pain starts to lead to our purpose.
I felt (and often still feel) uncertain about what’s next for me in this new, husband-less life before me. I’ve tried to start using my gifts to find my way forward. Maybe it’ll be a career one day, or maybe an avenue for more healing and/or for serving others. Although I don’t have a clear road map to see what’s ahead, I do know that God gave us each unique gifts and talents and using them is how we give back to God, find our purpose and serve those around us.
6. Girlfriends (or Guyfriends)
Brothers and sisters in Christ -what a gift we are to one another! There’s nothing that can beat a good bunch of girlfriends to make you laugh when you thought your smile was gone forever. Guys, your guyfriends can be good medicine for your broken hearts too!
A good friend will jump right into the deep, dark pit with you and will hold you there until you’re ready.
Really good friends are a gift from God. They know when to be silent – they know when to speak – and they’re good at forgiveness.
Whatever you do, don’t try to go through this alone. If you don’t think you have the support of girlfriends or guyfriends, join us in The Widow Army Facebook group. It’s a closed group, so it’s private. It’s a safe place to encourage, understand and uplift one another.
7. Get Real
Listen. We are soooo BAD at this!
“How are you doing?”
“Fine.” “Doing pretty well.” “We’re doing ok.”
LIARS! We are liars!
I mean, I know why we do this. There comes a time when it’s just easier. We feel people don’t really want to know the truth, or they wouldn’t know what to say in response to the truth, so we just say we are fine. Or maybe we are just too exhausted for the truth. Either way, in order to make it through this, We need to get real. Real with ourselves, real with God and real with each other.
I know getting real about it involves a lot of vulnerability – it can be scary to take down the veil we put up for the world to see, the illusion that we have it all together or that we’re just fine, but pretending isn’t helping.
Let’s get real with it so we can get to work helping one another.
Let’s be honest with the people that care about us so they can help us instead of pretending it’s all fine and struggling alone. I think God gave us one another so we wouldn’t have to go at it alone.
8.Give It Up (Hand it Over)
When a situation is pressing heavy on you -give it up and hand it over!
God did not intend for us to lug that kind of weight alone! Dump those burdens at the foot of the cross. Lighten your load.
Why do we try to carry all that heavy stuff alone?
Psalm 55:22 tells us –
“Cast all your burdens to the Lord, He will sustain you.”
And again in I Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you!”
If you’re trying to do this alone, you’re going to get nowhere fast. It’s too heavy!
Give it up and hand it over.
I want you all to know this list is a reminder for me, just as much as it is advice for you. I need to practice these things too. I know they are key to healing though. I know all eight things are part of the road to hope, joy and purpose. So will you join me in giving them more time? Will you work on these eight things along side of me during this Lenten season? It seems like a good time to give it a go.
Finally, I want to remind you (us), that whatever it is you’re battling or have yet to battle…God’s grace is sufficient…it’s enough! We all require “extra” – and He’s got us covered. We are so loved.
Leave me a comment and let me know if you have more ideas to add to the list above. Is there one you find more difficult than the others to practice? Let me know if you’re “in” on this Lenten challenge. I’m not giving up caffeine, but I’m going to give way to the “Great 8.”
Extra grace,
Jodi
- photo credit: byzantiumbooks Infinity, or Lazy Eight via photopin (license)
Jodi,
8 great reminders for all of us….even though we may not actually be going through “grief” right now.
I once heard the response “FINE” described as Feelings I’m Not Expressing. We all often say “I’m fine”, because it’s an easy, common reply and, yes, non-revealing.
Thank you for your writings. I will continue to pray for you in your journey.
Ruth, the “FINE” is spot on!! Feelings I’m Not Expressing is true to the core. I never know exactly what to say when someone asks me and sometimes I feel like they are just being nice and really don’t care, but there are times when I completely wish I could not LIE and say that I’m great! I look forward to those days. Thank you, Jodi, for always being real with your blog posts, you express things in ways I wish I could, I feel them, but can’t express them verbally. I need to be more intentional about my quiet time with the Lord for sure too. I need to stop just reading random books and actually do a Bible study, I’ve even thought about leading one in my home. So 1) my house is filled with laughter and voices again (I know, lame right?) and 2) so that others would feel more comfortable in an intimate setting with a handful of ladies than in a large room at church 3) I get to choose the topic! I’ll keep you informed on what I decide. Love you girl – keep doing what you’re doing, you are making a difference in this exclusive club none of us ever wanted to be a part of!
I *needed* to read, “…whatever it is you’re battling or have yet to battle…God’s grace is sufficient…it’s enough! We all require “extra” – and He’s got us covered. We are so loved.”
I am not dealing with the death of a husband; rather divorce after 25 years…so a death on some level. I recognize and relate to many of the same things I’ve read from you, including this–this is my first time responding in writing. My divorce was unwanted, unforseen. February marked 2 years.
Single parenting was not on my agenda, not even on my radar… I need to give myself Grace though. Thank you for this reminder. It is SO hard.
And #5! That is my takeaway from this reading. <3
Thank you for sharing your heart. Just wanted you to know that your words reach across humanly death into the hearts of those who've experienced loss in many ways. God's blessings to you and your family.
Jodi, I actually took notes & wrote down your 8 Things to Remember When You’re Walking Through Grief. THANK YOU!!
New to this blog and very relieved when I found a place for me. I’m very new to my loss, as my husband Kevin died February 9, 2019 after a 10 year battle with cancer. He was my partner in life and very much like how Jodi describes her husband.
Thank you for this post and the great list! My husband died last month after a long struggle with cancer, and I find myself telling people “I’m okay.” What I’ve said to my family from the beginning is more truthful: “I’m okay until I’m not.” Not only do I feel that people often don’t want to know exactly how I feel (recalling the old definition of a bore – someone who responds to the question “How are you? by actually telling you how they feel), but I often don’t want to tell people exactly how I feel, because it’s just too darned hard to do, too private, too painful.
Jodi, it’s been almost 4 years since my husband died and your blog has helped me so much along the way! In a support group early on, we learned there are all kinds of grief–not only because of death, but any kind of loss–of health, independence, job, etc., etc., etc. My nephew is going through a very difficult time accepting and dealing with his cancer diagnosis, I sent him a copy of your 8 points as there are many similarities in coping. Know that your wisdom is being shared in ways you may not have anticipated. Thank you for doing what you do!